


The Life Story of Parker MacMillan 11th

by uwunium



Category: Blaseball (Video Game)
Genre: 3rd Era Blaseball, Accidental Novella, Charleston Shoe Thieves (Blaseball Team), Future Blaseball, Gen, Mexico City Wild Wings (Blaseball Team) - Freeform, Most teams are here ngl, New Mechanics, Ohio Astronauts (Blaseball Team), Parker MacMillan 11th, Parker Simulator, San Francisco Lovers (Blaseball Team), Seattle Garages (Blaseball Team), Unlimited Tacos (Blaseball Team)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 51
Words: 17,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29364738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uwunium/pseuds/uwunium
Summary: The life story of Parker MacMillan 11th, as he discovers his past, encounters wild and impossible events, and holds his own against the god of the RNG.Made with Elliott f Chicago's Parker Simulator!https://elliotaries.itch.io/parker-simulator
Kudos: 17





	1. Parker MacMillan 11th

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I have lots of notes haha!! 
> 
> First of all, this was made with Elliott from Chicago's game, Parker Simulator! It's INCREDIBLY fun to play- I will admit that I went a little (a lot) overboard with the length- if you play this game how it should be played, it's easy and fun.  
> Download the game and support Elliot!  
> https://elliotaries.itch.io/parker-simulator
> 
> Secondly, this was made with the help of all the people in the taco stand, especially Lizzyserf, who inspired me to write this, and even wrote one of the chapters! This is also a sort of "successor" to theirs, which was posted in the blaseball discord server. They both take place in the same or similar "Parkerverse."
> 
> Finally, this story will be uploaded in chapters- I promise, it picks up as you read more! 
> 
> Thank you guys so much, and I hope you enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day on the job.
> 
> CWs: light cursing, innuendo.

What number Parker Macmillan are you?

_Parker MacMillan 11th_

What is your title (ex: intern, interim-intern, etc.)? What’s your blood type?

_Title: Interim-Internet-Intern, blood type O No_

How do you take your coffee?

_Coffee?_

Do you have a pre-game ritual? If so, what is it? What are your current vibes?

_Pregame ritual: Twitter_

_Vibes: Neutral_

What’s your catchphrase?

_“uhhhh” and “wtf”_

What’s the first thing you see when you wake up? What’s the first thing you remember? 

_When I wake up, I see computers all around me. Looking around, I see the figures of the umps, staring in disappointment. The first thing I remember is… when I was a kid, I…. whatever, nevermind._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Support the game!  
> https://elliotaries.itch.io/parker-simulator


	2. Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day on the job.
> 
> CWs: light cursing, some innuendos

“wtf” I logged onto the laptop in front of me to see it already logged onto twitter. I don’t know how I even remembered the password to get into the computer. Then again, the password was literally just “what.” Who the hell comes up with a password like that?

The laptop had a lot of tabs open. It was a mess. I looked at the sites, closing them as I went. 

Google... Blandcamp… Netfllix…. A site I’m probably not allowed to say on a pg-13 server… 

I was left with twitter open on one window, and a live feed of the games on the other. 

Then I randomly felt like tweeting. I don’t know why. My brain was still foggy from- Uh… Something, and I couldn’t be bothered to try and stop myself.

99+ notifications.

What.

Was I famous? I guess it would make sense since I’m the commissioner, but damn, this was way more than I was expecting. 

I tweeted out only “wtf,” and watched the likes come in.

Maybe this job wasn’t so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Support the game!  
> https://elliotaries.itch.io/parker-simulator


	3. Ready for Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new god joins the game- She calls herself Tyche, and seems to like chaos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Card: 2 of clubs  
> A new deity appears!

I was JUST trying to relax.

It was about 3:30 when one of the umps ran to me, seemingly shocked by something.

“LOOK AT THE SKY.” 

“What?”

“THE SKY.”

I looked up from my laptop. 

“THAT’S THE CEILING.”

I followed him outside, annoyed by the sudden intrusion, before I looked up at the sky, and…

That’s new.

The entire skyline was replaced by a thundering grid, with numbers flying around madly and lightning striking random spots on the ground after random intervals of time.

“what the hell” i said, still in complete shock and not fully processing this. Something weird had happened, and, well I mean I KNEW it was gonna happen, but I didn’t think it would be something like this. I grabbed my phone to take a picture, but instead, my screen flashed an icon of a calculator.

“uhhh, hey sunman” i looked back, but in only a second, a voice started booming from the chaotic sky, like the damn thunder that had already ruined my day.

“HELLOOOOO IMMATERIAL PLANE! HOW ARE WE FEELING TONIGHT!”   
  
“TYRANNY SUCKS!!! IM GLAD YOU GUYS GOT RID OF THAT STUPID COIN LADY.”

“DONT YOU HATE BEING RULED OVER”

“DONT YOU WANNA GET MAD?”

“RIGHT, TOTALLY FORGOT TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.”

“THE NAMES TYCHE. YOU CAN CALL ME TY, TYCH, OR HELL, EVEN MS FORTUNA IF WE’RE CLOSE.”

“ARE YALL READY FOR SOME FUN?”

“ARE YALL READY FOR SOME CHAOS!”

“WE WILL NOT BE RULED! WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED!!”

“PLAY BALL!”

It was gonna be a long week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Support the game!  
> https://elliotaries.itch.io/parker-simulator


	4. Congratulations Tony Hawk! You are now in #PARTYTIME!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker is greeted by a new notification from none other than Tony Hawk.
> 
> ...Or is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 4 of hearts  
> A prominent twitter figure discovers blaseball.

It was another normal day. Looking at memes. Refreshing twitter. Writing things exactly as said by the umps under the threat of death. Normal commissioner stuff.

After a few of the games, I finally got some time to myself. Finally. Before I signed off for the night, I checked twitter one last time, opening up my notifications to see if anyone important said anything. It was doubtful, cause nobody really ever gives me any attention-

I saw a blue check.

I read the name beside it.

“T-....” my mind stuttered. “TONY HAWK?”

I did a double take. Tony hawk had tagged me in something. ME! Parker MacMillan the 11th, Interim-Internet-Intern commissioner of the ILB! I MUST be dreaming.

I was too afraid to open the tweet at first. What do I even say to someone like that?! I decided to do a name-search on my account to see if I could find a mention of Tony Hawk. Maybe I said something? I don’t remember saying anything.

I, in fact, did find a tweet. I had sent him to Partytime. I think. I don’t even remember it that well. Did I do that? I mean, I’m the only commissioner…

Back to the story. So I finally decided to open up the tweet, to see what he tagged me in.

_ “Why am I partying so hard? @blaseball” _

Wait. Maybe this wasn’t the real Tony Hawk. I mean, why would Tony Hawk care about me? I cracked the case. This was some kind of Cloney Hawk. A Phony Hawk. 

“what” 

“How are you doing, Parker MacMillan 11th?

This guy’s good. He even knows my name.

“good, _‘Tony Hawk.’_ ” Perfect. I got him.

“Not you too... I promise, I’m the actual Tony Hawk.”

I hadn’t expected this! Such cunning. 

“oh yeah? how many wheels does a skateboard have”

“...4?”

I caught him! “Everyone knows that skateboards have 5 wheels. It’s the basic way of the immaterial plane!”

“Dude, I’m the real Tony Hawk. Drop it.”

“Drop it? If you were actually in #PARTYTIME you wouldn’t be on twitter!”

I sent those words confidently. I have him now! Sure enough, I didn’t get another response from him all night.

The next morning, Sunman walked up to me.

“YOU KNOW WHAT THE BLUE CHECKMARK MEANS, RIGHT PARKER?”

“of course, it’s what they give people who say facts and are reliable news sources”

“PARKER, THAT CHECKMARK INDICATED IT WAS THE REAL TONY HAWK.”

“What?” I opened twitter to check the thread, but I couldn’t open it.

Tony hawk had blocked me. I had been Tony Blocked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Support the game!  
> https://elliotaries.itch.io/parker-simulator
> 
> Fun fact: Tony Hawk


	5. New Year New Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rebranding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Card: 2 of Hearts  
> Change your profile pic!

After the incident with Tony Hawk, the umps told me I needed to rebrand the account a little. Something about “Not angering the skaters” and “The tony hawk fandom is brutal.” I wasn’t paying attention.

I wasn’t sure what rebranding was supposed to mean anyway. Was I supposed to change the username? Change my personality? Something else? I decided I’d play around with it and experiment. 

That morning, I awoke prepared to “rebrand.” I wore my extra special hot-pink suit, and I was ready to break some hearts. People like bad boys, right?

“Hello everyone~ I’m the Blaseball Commissioner~ <3” I sent the tweet confidently, and quickly changed my profile picture to a heart-shaped blaseball. Womanizer Commissioner is in the hizzouse. 

Bad idea. My notifs were quickly filled with “Parker, are you okay?” and “Parker why are you acting like this” and one guy even trying to flirt with me. Blocked.

Clearly that didn’t work. Next up, I decided to put on some glasses over my mask and put on some tacky suit, because it was time to get nerdy.

“According to my calculations, numbers are going up”

I don’t get why people didn’t like it. I even made a spreadsheet like all the nerds in SIBR do.

“PARKER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Sunman interrupted, right before I was ready to rebrand into “ParkerMan, Baseball’s Superhero.”

“Rebranding. Isn’t that what you told me to do?”

“PARKER.” Sunman sat down. “YOU NEED TO BE YOURSELF.”

  
“...myself?” i thought for a minute. Who even AM I? I don’t remember anything from my childhood, or anything at all really, just being here. But I also remember things I know I DIDN’T do. Who does that? 

“DO WHAT COMES NATURALLY.” 

Yeah. He’s right. I can’t keep trying to be someone I’m not. That’s lame and stupid. I smiled, before looking at my phone again for a final rebrand- this time, I changed my profile picture to a blaseball on a red background- red is my favorite color. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Support the game!  
> https://elliotaries.itch.io/parker-simulator
> 
> Edit: THE PICTURE BROKE AO3 LOOOOL RIV


	6. Gettin' Wild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for us to draw our wild cards!
> 
> Assuming things don't break. But this is blaseball, so really, what were you expecting?
> 
> CW: Censored cursing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: Queen of Diamonds  
> Wild cards are drawn!

Playoffs day. Or, well… Before playoffs, I think. This was my first playoffs. I don’t know what’s going on. They don’t tell me this stuff. 

What they DID tell me though is that I needed to “draw some cards.” Not sure what that’s supposed to mean. Maybe we’re gonna play poker or something. 

Turns out “drawing cards” wasn’t literal, which I found out when I walked up to them with a queen of diamonds. They should really tell me this next time.

Anyway, so what they ACTUALLY wanted was for me to put a series of punch cards into the supercomputer terminal thing. Each of the cards represented a team, and “the device will use the energy from the material plane to shuffle and randomize, picking a total of two lucky teams to compete in the eliminations of the playoffs and have a postseason Birth.” I don’t understand any of what that means, but i still gotta do what they tell me. So, I walk up to the computer holding a bunch of cards with holes in them. Not sure how these are supposed to represent the teams, but I guess that’s up for the computer to decide, or something. 

Somehow, I know exactly where the cards go, despite never doing this before. Beginners luck. I put in the first card, and the computer accepted it with a whir. Looking good. I put in the next, and the next, and the next, and the next, and all the cards until I’m holding one more. I sigh, and put it into the machine.

In an instant, the power in the building went off. 

Sh*t.

I fumbled around the dark room, looking for the backup power, and hearing the Umps’ frantic voices saying “WHAT DID YOU DO?”

I flipped the switch of the backup power generator, somehow knowing where it was intuitively. The lights flickered back on, and the ground was scattered with the punchcards I had put into the computer earlier. 

“I have no clue what happened.” I said, putting my hands up in innocence.

“WELL, IT’S TOO LATE NOW.” Ump Chaff said, picking up one of the cards. “LET’S SEE… I PICKED UP THE CARD FOR THE SPIES.”

“I PICKED UP THE STEAKS.”

“...GOOD ENOUGH.”


	7. To Blaseball2 and Beyond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Pies finally ascend, and a new team takes their place.
> 
> (i am so sorry pies but i really wanted to make a joke about ascension still happening but they didn't expect it to happen more than once ily)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 4 of diamonds  
> A new team is introduced!

The playoffs were eventful. In the final round, it came down to the Pies and the Tigers, going on to an eventful game 5, and ending with the Pies claiming their third Internet League Championship, leading them to ascension. Well, what was left of ascension anyway. After the crabs ascended, we lost our only Divine Transporter, so we just had to strap everybody to rockets and hope for the best. Apparently the umps didn’t think they’d have to abide by rules in the book if they were crossed out.

As the pies blasted off into the stratosphere, it became clear that we needed another team to take their place. Last time we had ascension, the star team from Japan, the Tokyo Lift, happily took the place of the Baltimore Crabs in the Wild High division. They ended up losing. They lost really hard.

This time, every team in the immaterial plane was gunning for a chance to take the Pies’ place in the league. Bee Movie Shrek Jams, Multi-Charleston Crocs, Neptune Starlights, countless other teams… I got more emails those days than I had gotten in a long, long time.

However, one email stood out to me. Maybe it was because of fate. Or maybe it was because a bunch of people calling themselves “keepers” sent over 100 emails total asking for a certain team to be added. 

The Ohio Astronauts. 

I liked the idea of choosing the next team. After all, every team deserves a spot! And if I’m going to “be myself” like Sunman said, I should be able to help shape the league. Astronauts it is.

I sent them an email, exclaiming their new position in the league. 

**NAME: _OHIO ASTRONAUTS_**

**SLOGAN: _Always Have Been._**

**EMOJI: _Rocket_**

Upon adding them to the roster, I got thousands of happy messages from those “keeper” people. And a bunch of LESS happy messages from the Umps. Apparently there was a promise that "They're not adding the Ohio Astronauts so stop asking." Whoops!

Play ball, Astronauts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Game the support  
> https://elliotaries.itch.io/parker-simulator
> 
> Adding a fun fact retroactively, but the players I chose for the Astronauts are actually available to see via XIV's simsim. Go to SIBR's simsim #free-agents channel and type m;showteam ohio astronauts to see the full roster! Not sure who made the team, but apparently they didn't have any lore made. Thanks for letting me feature the Astronauts in my fic!


	8. Interim-International-Internet-Intern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker gets a promotion! Thanks keepers!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 6 of spades  
> Parker gets promoted.

The umps were kinda mad at me for adding in the Astronauts without telling them. I mean, what did they EXPECT me to do? I still think I was in the right. And they even agreed, when the ratings for the previous season started rolling in.

That season had been the highest rated of all time. We had managed to become REALLY popular, and it was great for the league. The umps told me “WE HAVE MORE POWER NOW,” and “THE ENERGY IS VERY PLENTIFUL TODAY.” I have no clue what it means, but a lot of the gauges on the supercomputer filled up, so I assume that’s a good thing.

Turns out, the umps had a rule- When a commissioner gets enough “great job” ratings, they are required to promote them. Not sure why that rule is in place, because I’m the only commissioner, but if I read that right…

I GOT PROMOTED.

The umps gave me a big medal, which was surprisingly light, and the gold parts were a bit flaky and chipped a bit. Sunman’s hands were painted gold. The back of the medal said “#1 Mom,” which was crossed out to say “commissioner.” I’m sure that’s unrelated, because i am doing a GREAT JOB and I got PROMOTED FOR IT. 

They told me my new rank. I was to become…

  
  


_**The Interim-International-Internet-Intern.** _

I added it to my twitter bio and sent out a tweet. “I just got promoted lol.” Keepin’ it casual.

I don’t know why I got a weird message that night in my dreams. It said something like “DON’T TIP THE SCALES, DUDE.” 

Weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Game the support  
> https://elliotaries.itch.io/parker-simulator
> 
> try saying "interim-international-internet-intern" 5 times fast i dare you


	9. RESONANCE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The election results roll in, and Parker is greeted by a mysterious voice and an ominous warning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: Ace of clubs  
> Something new is written in the book!
> 
> you're probably wondering where the hell that happens in this chapter. I think this was one where I forgot the prompt halfway through writing, so it KINDA has some of the setup for the prompt but no delivery. I'm not gonna rewrite it b/c it (may or may not be important...) So uhh. Yeah. Kinda bent the rules a little. Oops

The election results rolled in, as the computer started to shake and whirr. I should have been scared, but I felt relatively… normal? Like this had happened before. 

I stared intently at the three gauges in front of me. Each of them represented a decree, which were written by the gods. 

The first gauge represented the “RECALCULATE” decree, which would randomly shuffle one member of each team. Its needle was incredibly low.

The second gauge represented the “REVENGE” decree. Apparently this would give the team who made second place a huge stat boost for the season, while nerfing the champions. This didn’t work, because the champions had ascended. Its needle was even lower.

The final gauge was for the “RESONANCE” decree. Unlike the other two, it didn’t have any kind of description or anything, so I didn’t expect the needle to be too high. However, it seems like it’s what the computer wanted, because its needle was the highest.

In a matter of seconds, the first two gauges fell back to default positions, and the light above the third flashed. 

“they chose the 3rd one,” I called out to the umps. They looked at each other nervously. This one had come from a mysterious source that they seemed to be wary of. 

In an instant, every display in the room turned into pink static, filling the room with white noise. A loud screech echoed from all corners of the building, as a flash of magenta light blinded us for a second.

“Hello?” I heard a young voice, distorted by feedback. “Can you hear me?”

  
“NOT THAT THING AGAIN.” Chaff looked down.

“I don’t wanna hurt you.” the voice said, “you... um, voted for my decree.”

“What?” i asked.

“Resonance.” the voice said. “Did you read the description?”

“there wasn’t one” I said, looking at the umps, who still seemed afraid.

“Did it not go through? I guess I should have been more focused…” they seemed disappointed at this.

“its ok probably” I said, trying to comfort the voice. The umps gave me a “CUT IT OUT” glance. 

“Um, so the decree protects every team from a few weather occurrences they encounter.” the voice said, “it was the best i could do…”

Chaff called out, “WHY ARE YOU STILL INTERFERING?”

The voice suddenly changed tone, “Something is coming. Something bad. I need to protect them.”

“OH.” Chaff said nervously. 

“Sorry. I’m losing connection. Good luck,” The voice faded away as quickly as it came, returning the room to the eerie silence.

“Uhhhh”

“HEY PARKER.”

“whats up”

“CAN YOU TRY SHUTTING THAT THING DOWN AGAIN?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Game the support  
> https://elliotaries.itch.io/parker-simulator
> 
> my fics must involve wyatt or NaN it is law


	10. Do the Shuffle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Random chance isn't quite random enough for some matchups, so Parker and the ILB have to "tip the scales."
> 
> CWs: short nightmare sequence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: (10 of diamonds)  
> Two teams are complaining that they're getting matched up too often.

> _ “Dear Parker MacMillan 11th, _
> 
> _ Recently, we have been matched up with the Spies far too often. Burke did some calculations, and found that our team matchups for last season were against the Spies 11.208271% of the time, rounded to the nearest significant figure. We are very disappointed in your scheduling, and sadly, if this keeps up, we might be forced to take legal action. _
> 
> _ Sincerely, _
> 
> _ CDMX Wild Wings” _

I looked at the letter in shock. Do they not realize that I don’t control the scheduling? I just punch numbers into these punch cards and put ‘em into the computer, and let that hunk of metal do the rest. Trust me, if I was in charge, I would make my favorite teams play each other every round. N-Not that I have a favorite team or anything, that is. Haha.

It would be fine if I just ignored it. I opened up the next letter.

> _ “Dear Parker MacMillan 11th,” _
> 
> _ Our databases have indicated a striking number of matchups against the Wild Wings. Math did some calculations, and found that, to put it in Math’s words, “That’s a lot of games against the Wings.” Looking at your databases, we believe that this is happening in error, and are requesting it to be fixed. _
> 
> _ Signed, _
> 
> _ ■■■■■■■■■” _

Seriously?

“sunman we have a problem” i called out to the nearest ump.

“WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?” 

“the wings and the spies have played too many games together. They think i did something wrong idk”

“OH. OKAY, JUST MAKE SURE THAT THEY DON’T PLAY AS MANY GAMES AGAINST EACH OTHER THIS SEASON.”

“isnt that, like… tipping the scales?” I remembered that strange dream I had.

“IT’LL BE FINE.” Sunman said, walking me up to the computer. “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT.” 

I sighed, and did what he asked, as usual. This time, I made sure that they wouldn’t have more than 5% of their games together. 

That night, I had a nightmare. I was in a giant green grid, dodging numbers and functions and graphs. I heard a voice, right before I was crushed beneath the weight of one of the raining numbers.

“WATCH YOURSELF PARKER. DON’T MESS THIS UP.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Game the Support!  
> https://elliotaries.itch.io/parker-simulator


	11. Rejoice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day one of Parker MacMillan 11th's second season as commissioner. 
> 
> Is it just me, or is the weather stronger this season...?
> 
> CWs: kind of an innuendo, parker accidentally says something that comes off wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 7 of spades  
> On the first day, we rejoice.

Day one of the next season! Last season started off horribly, with the arrival of Tyche and the chaos she had caused. And then there was the Tony Hawk incident, the rebranding, the Resonance decree… I didn’t think it could get any wilder than that.

Boy was I wrong. 

Something strange was happening throughout the league. It seemed as though the weather effects had… Intensified? I don’t really know how to explain it, but everything was very chaotic. The feedback was louder, the black holes sometimes swallowed more wins, the sun 2 was brighter, and the jazz. The jazz was unbearable. I don’t know how many times one person has to hear the lick before they go insane.

I don’t know why the umpires were so scared of that kid who made the resonance decree. They seemed decent enough. The umps told me that the kid was “the microphone,” and that they were unkillable. That’s all they told me. They made me unplug a few things from the supercomputer, hoping that the kid wouldn’t try anything else, and that the microphone could be shut down. It doesn’t help that they said “PARKER, IF I HEAR THE MICROPHONE AGAIN I WILL INCINERATE YOU.” So there’s that.

It seemed like that decree was having an effect. A ton of weather events happened this game, but a good portion of them seemed to glitch out of existence right before it would affect a player. Strange.

Regardless, I wasn’t allowed to bet on the first day. I ended up betting a bunch on the last season after I discovered the option to do it on the live game feeds. I ended up losing a lot of money.

Anyway, I was told to rejoice to the gods. 

The sky was still covered in the weird grid I saw last season, and there were just as many numbers as before. I remembered my nightmare, and felt the need to say something.

“uhh… I don’t know if you can hear this, but Tyche... were you in my dreams?” I said aloud.

“idk if i did anything wrong, but i dont want there to be hard feelings or anything” I didn’t get a response.

“so uhh… you’re looking nice today?” I looked up to the sky and saw a graph of a parabola. “you have...nice curves?- wait, that sounded bad, uhh…”

_ Great job Parker. Great work “rejoicing.” _

“if you ever need anyone to… uh, commish, i’m available!” I quickly ran inside. 

Note to self: practice your “rejoicing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I DON'T have to put the link in the ending notes of every chapter, because it shows up w/ the entire story's end notes. who'dda thunk. this is AO3 punishing me for never making stories longer than one chapter. 
> 
> So I guess instead, the ending will be fun facts!
> 
> fun fact: I added jazz weather because I felt like it and it was funny in the IAB stream. Also, the joke about the lick in this chapter is one of my favorite jokes in the entire story. Imagine jazz. Imagine the lick. do do do do do do do 
> 
> my twitter: https://twitter.com/uwunium


	12. Did You Taste Control?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wyatt Dovenpart repeats history- this time, the Shoe Thieves reap the consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 9 of Diamonds  
> Something awful, terrible, and horrible happens, effecting an entire team.

It was supposed to be a normal day. It started with a Shoe Thieves home game against the Tacos. The weather was feedback.

Ever since the start of the season, the weather had been weird. I talked about it in my last entry. But the weather had become increasingly weird in this game all of a sudden. The feedback was loud. Very loud. Unusually so. It was as if the force behind the weather was becoming weaker, trying to hold on but struggling under some weight. The grid in the sky was omnipresent over the players.

Wyatt Dovenpart was pitching that game. Apparently they had been in the shadows for a few seasons, but some strange force put them back on the field. I don’t remember anything about it.

Dovenpart looked around, before staring the new batter, Tillman Henderson, straight in the eyes. 

“You’ve made a mistake, Henderson.” They said, eyes filled with fire, their bright red hair flowing behind them. “Don’t ever try and hurt them again.”

With the force of a thousand warriors, Dovenpart pitched the ball. It ripped through the fabric of reality, scattering digital debris everywhere in its path.

Tillman hit a home run.

Dovenpart, eyes wide in fear and regret, was frozen in place.

_ “No… I- I did it again-” _

Suddenly, the rip in reality widened, and kept widening and widening and widening. As Tillman was running, the rip overtook everything in sight, warping the world. 

The sky shook, and a voice rang out.

> “GET IT TOGETHER YOU GUYS!”
> 
> “I THOUGHT WE WERE TRYING TO LET BLASEBALL BE RANDOM!”
> 
> “CHAOTIC!”
> 
> “FUN!”
> 
> “YOU GUYS AND THAT WEIRD VOICE NEED TO STOP INTERFERING, YOU’RE REALLY KILLING THE VIBE.”
> 
> “DID YOU TASTE CONTROL?”
> 
> “FINE THEN. TASTE TRUE RANDOMNESS.”
> 
> “SEE YA LATER.”

The voice faded. I looked at the live feed.

_**“Farber Fayette is up to bat!”** _

I looked at the screen showing the game. Sure enough, the next batter was someone I didn’t recognize. They were glitching, with an incredibly unstable form. In between the errors, I felt like I could see someone I recognized. A Shoe Thief. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again here's our second installment of Fun Facts With Uwunium™
> 
> fun fact: i couldn't figure out which thief batter Dove would be mad at so I did what any logical person would do and chose tillman henderson. Is tillman a pitcher in canon? Yes. Is dove in the shadows in canon? Yes. Did that stop me? No. It's my Parker Simulator and I choose the characters that get to suffer
> 
> twitter: https://twitter.com/uwunium


	13. ROULETTE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new type of weather begins to shake things up in the Immaterial Plane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 5 of Diamonds  
> A new weather appears!

The world shook. The ground trembled. The sky was filled with thunder and lightning and numbers and equations. Something was brewing.

The next games were set to begin soon, and everyone was nervous. After the incident in Charleston, it was clear that things were going to change, and rapidly.

Soon, the schedules had popped out of the computer, and I was the first to see them. However, I noticed something weird- Some of the games had a new, unrecognizable weather type. It was called “Roulette.”

“uhh hey chaff,” I called out, “something weird happened”

Chaff walked over and looked at the schedule cards. “ROULETTE?”

“what”

“IT’LL BE FINE. IT’S NOT OUR BUSINESS.”

“uhh…” I stood confused. “ok”

Doing what Chaff told me, I sent out the schedules to each of the teams, to find my twitter notifications blowing up. This was getting tiring. Don’t they know I don’t have any control over this? I turned off my phone and sat down, ready to watch the games.

In this round, I decided to watch the Astronauts vs Lovers game, as they had the new Roulette weather. The field of the Polyhedron was colored like a dance floor, as though strange colored lights were beaming from the sky- yet the sky was still filled by the grid and the numbers. The hue of the ground changed randomly, flickering between a bunch of different colors.

But play must continue.

The game went normally for a while, the ground continuing to flicker in different colors, and the players trying their best to not be distracted by the strange new weather phenomenon. 

It went normally up until the 5th inning. 

NaN was up to bat, against pitcher Prism Seaside of the Astronauts. Miraculously, they managed to hit a single, and quickly ran to first base, landing right in the center of a square of orange light.

Immediately, lightning struck the center of the field, and peanuts fell from the sky in the one quadrant in which NaN was standing. 

The teams looked in shock, staring at the colored squares beneath them.

Knight was on a magenta square. 

Carl Bot was on a red square.

Jaylen was on a navy blue square.

Pelgia was on a purple square.

Don was on a blue square. 

Slimmy was on a brown square.

Alexander was on a green square.

Azurik was on a teal square.

I looked at the screen in surprise. Somehow, Roulette seemed to have the ability to randomize weather effects.

For once, I was glad that I didn’t have to be out there. I was glad to be commissioner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun facts continue!
> 
> Fun fact: I FORGOT TO UPLOAD THIS CHAPTER AND ACCIDENTALLY SKIPPED IT. IF YOU SAW THE NEXT CHAPTER EARLY NO YOU DIDN'T.


	14. Great Job!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In times of stress, Parker's fans have his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: Jack of Hearts  
> Someone tells you you're doing a great job.

By this point, I was starting to get stressed. It was only my second season, I think… It was only my second season, and the god of chaos had taken the universe by storm and created a weather event that causes random weather events, the Shoe Thieves were now being replaced by brand new players each time they played, and the jazz never got quieter. Seriously, why jazz? It could have been rock, or pop, or some really cool EDM….

Whatever. I was really stressed at this point in the season, and I apparently did an awful job of hiding it. 

Tweeting was hard. I’d have to be awake for long periods of time, watching the games and seeing countless players swap teams, get shelled, attacked by birds, have allergic reactions, and even die. It was exhausting. I slacked on replying to people. What was I supposed to say? No matter what I did, someone would find a way to blame me for this mess.

Which reminds me, I still don’t know who “me” really is. Sometimes I get a vivid memory out of nowhere. Like when Tillman hit that home run… It reminded me of something that I wasn’t even here for. Was I? I’m only 19, it doesn’t make sense. This entire thing is /weird./

Another player had just had their blood drained- Jessica Telephone. I knew that she was a popular player. The fans love her. And I had to be the one to deliver the bad news.

Sighing and slouching in my chair, I quickly sent the tweet and closed my laptop. I really need a cup of coffee, or better yet, a nap.

In a few seconds, my phone started buzzing. I expected it to be a phone call, but it was actually a stream of messages on twitter- I knew that they’d be blaming me for this mess, yet something inside me still wanted to open the messages.

That’s when I saw it.

“WE LOVE YOU PARKER!”

There was a huge picture, filled with thousands of messages and signatures and messages of “the commissioner is doing a great job.

“We could tell you were stressed, so we wanted to show you some appreciation because you deserve it,” the original poster wrote as a caption.

I started to tear up. They really did this all for me? I couldn’t believe it.

“what??” I replied, still surprised. This comment alone got dozens of likes.

At the end of the day, being commissioner can be scary and tough, but I know that I have people who are willing to help. Because I’m doing a great job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more facts
> 
> Fun fact: this was the chapter I posted early, and when I skimmed it I thought I posted a MAJOR spoiler. Needless to say, I'm glad I didn't. Also fun fact about Roulette weather from last chapter: it would be very cool to see in the base game i think


	15. Mr. Worldwide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker decides to sneak out to a Dale party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 3 of Hearts  
> It's #PARTYTIME! Who's the first team?

Ah yes, partytime. The time when teams get eliminated from their chances at the playoffs, and instead get to relax with some ILB-mandated partying, day and night. It always looked really fun, and it was cool to see everybody get better at the game while also enjoying a nice party. 

This season, the Dale were the first to be eliminated, and based on records from the past, their parties tended to get very… lively. Apparently they all like to have boat races and blast Pitbull. Sounds pretty fun to me.

Their party setup looked like a blast. I needed a break. And I wanted in.

So, I did what any logical person would do. I found this weird turtle in an outback steakhouse, and put it under a sheet and some pillows, and propped it up on the seat where I normally worked. It just so happened to sound and talk kinda like me. A perfect coincidence.

Next up, I needed a disguise. Everybody knows what I look like to some extent, as the mask makes it obvious. I also have the dilemma of needing to wear something, as there’s some kind of “generational curse” that forbids me from showing my face. 

I looked around the same outback steakhouse I went to before and just so happened to find a pair of glasses with an attached fake nose and mustache. Perfect. Finally, I bought a cheap pink wig from a party store. I was ready to party. 

That night, I put my plan in action. Sunman and Chaff had to go do some ILB business regarding the incident with the Shoe Thieves, which gave me the perfect opportunity to sneak out. I stealthily walked along the walls, avoiding cameras and others’ prying eyes.

Before long, I made it to Miami. (Traveling long distances is luckily very easy in the immaterial plane) With my pink-sequin suit, funny disguise glasses, and hot pink wig, I was certain no one would recognize me.

“Welcome to Miami!” someone said. I turned around to see the tall, intimidating figure of Raúl Leal.

“uhhhh hi?” I said, hoping that no one would recognize me.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you around these parts. What’s your name?”

“uhhh” Shit. I didn’t think this far ahead. “Marker. PacPillan. Yes.”

“I haven’t heard that name.”

  
“I’m uhh…. From the shadows!! Haha. I’m the new guy that you guys got last time you made it to the playoffs.”

“Sweet! Welcome to the party. We’ve got boat racing at 7, drinks are on us. There’s a Pitbull concert at 9, drinks are on us. Afterwards we’ll play some beach volleyball, with a Dale twist. Make yourself at home.”

A Pitbull CONCERT? I guess they don’t call the Dale “Life of the Party” for nothing!

Before long, I was having the time of my life. The Pitbull concert was AMAZING. And let me tell you- Don Elliot makes a KILLER non-alcoholic Pina Colada.

The next morning, I snuck my way back to the ILB offices, wearing a neon shirt and a new, funky hat. Somehow, the Umps never figured out that the pillow-parker wasn’t me. Apparently that turtle did a pretty good job at fooling them.

Note to self- Go to more parties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: the "generational curse" thing is the reason I hc Parker wears a mask. I imagine him as having slightly "angelic" features (as in, the scary angels) because of the symbolism in him being blaseball's messenger. But that also makes him slightly (very) terrifying.


	16. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker hears whisperings from beyond the Immaterial Plane, before disaster strikes a beloved player.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: King of Clubs  
> You hear secrets from TGB.

The computer had been acting up for the past couple of days. Playoffs was rapidly approaching, and the air felt… tense. Something bad was going to happen again- I could feel it. 

The computer gave me a weird message that day. The source was completely unique- it didn’t seem to come from any known gods, or the microphone. It seemed to come from a power beyond the computer, beyond the ILB, beyond the immaterial plane. Or at least that’s what I overheard from the umps. I think it might have just been us picking up a random radio signal from somewhere.

> “...parker...incineration...,”
> 
> “....the calculator...”
> 
> “...need a short siesta?”
> 
>   
>  “...maybe…”
> 
> “They’re gonna love this…”

  
  


The umps looked at each other, seeming to know what the message meant. They seemed to know a lot more than they let on. I, however, didn’t have the slightest clue.

However, I noticed something strange on the idol board; next to the #3 position, there was an icon of a glowing, red blaseball. As we approached day 99, I became worried. What could that mean? Why did it look so similar to my twitter profile picture? I tried my best to shrug it off. If it was dangerous, it wouldn’t have my icon next to it, because I’m doing a great job. Maybe the person in that idol slot would be my friend.

Day 99 finally rolled around. Jessica Telephone was in the blaseball slot. I was curious to exactly what it meant- Maybe it means I could meet Jessica Telephone! As the last few games finished, the sky flashed with aggressive thunder, and that voice spoke out again.

> “BE CAREFUL YOU GUYS!”
> 
> “THE ILB IS TRYING TO CONTROL US AGAIN!”
> 
> “I NEED YOUR HELP TO STOP THEM.”
> 
> “TO STOP PARKER FROM KILLING ANYONE ELSE.”

What?! I didn’t kill anybody! As the sky calmed down slightly and the voice faded away, I looked back at the idol board on my phone.

The number three slot didn’t have a blaseball by it anymore.

It had a skull.

Jessica Telephone was dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I wrote this chapter before I knew that there was a card for incinerating a popular player. Soo..... Riv JT I guess? Also fun fact, I never created a replacement player for her, but I did for other incinerations. I guess it just never came up.


	17. Back to Outback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker is sued for the death of a popular player.
> 
> CWs: censored cursing. also since it's a trial i am referencing some irl fans that were involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 2 of Spades  
> You are getting sued!

I was given a chance to prove myself innocent. 

The Wild Wings and the Mints decided to sue me and the ILB for the death of Jessica Telephone, which would take place in the Sunbeams Courthouse a few days before the beginning of the playoffs. Apparently many of the ILB’s cases had taken place in this courthouse, so I expected it to be nice.

Imagine my surprise when I arrived at the same Outback Steakhouse I had found that weird turtle robot in. Apparently this Outback was a combination Outback Steakhouse Sunbeams Court. Did the turtle robot get sued?

The case started with another large computer sitting at the center of the room. It had many screens attached, with each of the screens being on various places around the room. On the screens, I could see figures of people.

I took my seat next to the defense attorneys.

“All rise for Judge Keeper Sins!” one of the screens said. This screen had a name tag reading “Nesblitt.”

The screen in the center turned on, showing the image of who I can assume to be keeper sins, wearing a fake powder wig. It did the proceedings as usual.

Before long, it was the prosecution’s turn for an opening statement. Unsurprisingly, they accused me of the murder, with their attorney, Case Sports, saying:

“We expect the evidence will show the jury that Parker MacMillan not only attempted to harm Jessica Telephone by causing the blooddrain, but went on to cause her death at the end of the season. This is a bloodsport. And Parker is out for blood.”

Next, it was our turn to give an opening statement. 

That’s when I saw him busting through the courtroom door.

_**Goku.** _

“OBJECTION!” he said.

  
“Overruled.” Sins said, clearly tired of all these damn trials. “Just give the opening statement.”

Goku stepped into the well and spoke.

“Today, you all are framing an innocent man. Parker MacMillan 11th has done no harm to anyone- He would never hurt Jessica Telephone. Today, the prosecution has the burden of proof,” Goku spun a pen in his hands, and motioned to the prosecution, “They must prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Parker MacMillan 11th committed the crime. If they cannot do this, then we win. All we technically have to do is show up.” He paused. “But we’re doing more than that. Today, we are going to prove the innocence of Parker MacMillan the 11th.”

Goku motioned behind me to the witnesses, who were allowed to be in the room for this case because it’s easier for the person writing this. “Firstly, we will call the Tacomissioner to the stand, who will testify that Parker could not have possibly killed Jessica Telephone, because he’s banned from the stadium due to buying too many nachos.”

Right. The nachos incident.

“Next, we will call the umpires to the stand, who will testify that Parker was working when Ms. Telephone was killed. Finally, we will call Gene Teuthida, known by his title as the Monitor, who will testify the exact time in which Jessica entered the hall and reunited with Sebastian.”

The next few hours were a blur. Before long, the umpires were called to the stand. After direct examination, Case Sports began his cross. 

“So, umpires. You saw parker at the time of the murder, correct?”

“CORRECT.”

“Did you get close to parker?”

“NO.”

“Did you make any physical contact with him?”

  
“NO.”

“So, can you be certain that it was actually parker?”

“UHHHH...YES.”

“Your honor, let the record reflect that I am now showing the opposing council exhibit 2. Permission to admit into evidence.”

“Permission granted.” Sins sighed.

Sh*t. The picture was of the decoy I made when I went to the Dale party.

“Do you recognize this?”

“IT LOOKS LIKE… A FAKE PARKER TO ME.”

“Are you aware of its existence?”

“NO.”

“Are you aware that Parker was seen at the Miami Dale’s Partytime?”

“...NO.” they looked at me, seeming disappointed. 

“Therefore you cannot be certain that Parker was present on the night of the murder, correct?”

“...POSSIBLY.”

“Your honor, I now pass the witness.” Case sports sat down.

Uh oh. This is bad. I only used that decoy once! It was for the party! Damn, I knew I shouldn’t have snuck out!

It was all up to the next few witnesses. Time went by slowly, and I tried to listen to the questioning but I was too nervous. Finally, the prosecution called their last witness- Valentine Games.

“Good evening. Please introduce yourself to the jury.”

“My name is Valentine Games, and I have a confession to make.”

I looked around in shock. EVERYONE looked around in shock. Clearly the prosecution didn’t expect this.

“Parker didn’t kill Jessica Telephone. Someone else did. Something else.”

Everyone in the outback gasped. One of the waiters dropped a drink. 

“I don’t know what killed her. I really don’t. But I saw it happen, and it told me I had to frame someone. I’m sorry for dragging you into this, Parker.”

The entire courtroom, in their combined shock, let out a cry in unison.

“What?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a couple fun facts for this chapter actually
> 
> FACT 1: I AM SO SORRY I FORGOT TO UPLOAD YESTERDAY I REMEMBERED AT LIKE MIDNIGHT AND I WAS ALREADY IN BED o7
> 
> FACT 2: The "nachos incident" was actually created by Lizzy, who is our tacomissioner. 
> 
> FACT 3: The idea of Val being the one who framed Parker was based off of a pun in the taco stand of "Val Frames." This is also the same reason why Val died in Lizzy's Parker sim.


	18. Aftershocks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The verdict is revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 3 of Spades  
> A popular character is incinerated.

None of us could believe what we just heard. Not only was I just proven innocent, but we don’t know who killed Jessica Telephone! And Valentine Games had to frame ME to save their own life! I had no clue what was going on at this point. The last trial was all chaotic, but this one felt more professional and that somehow made it more confusing. Wait, how do I remember that? Nevermind.

Before long, both of the sides gave their closing statements. Well, kind of. Tony Hawk was the prosecution’s closing attorney, and since there was no redeeming their case after the big revelation, he just did a sick ollie on the bar. 

But now it was time for the verdict.

And the punishments.

“Good evening everyone,” Keeper sins walked back into the courtroom. “We have made a decision. The jury has found Parker MacMillan 11th not guilty.”

I sighed in relief. I really didn’t want to be incinerated.

“On the other hand, we do have a guilty verdict to hand out. We are sorry, but Valentine Games has been found guilty of conspiring to cover up a murder, and will face incineration.”

Valentine looked down, already knowing what was coming. They looked over to Miguel James one last time.

_ Watching incinerations is never easy. It never will be. _

After I left the courtroom, curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to check the Tacos roster to see who would be playing in Val's position. The screen read Jasper Tabby. I hope the Tacos were accepting of their new player. Incinerations are hard.

That night, I couldn’t sleep. Why did Jessica Telephone get killed? Who did it? Why did they frame me?  
What were they planning?

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more *~facts~*
> 
> Fun fact: The inclusion of Miguel James was also an idea from the taco stand. I wasn't originally gonna add it, but I was told it would make people cry so I did. Also the Tony Hawk joke in this chapter is my favorite Tony Hawk joke in the entire book I think. Although there is one later that MIGHT beat it out. No spoilers tho.
> 
> also fun fact: Jasper Tabby was originally introduced in a WAY later chapter, but I decided to add her early because I wanted to post the fan art I drew of her whoops


	19. Assa Beeb Abba Soos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Election season is among us once again. The Magic and the Lift welcome new players, a strange new individual is sighted on the Procedurally Generated Shoe Thieves, and Tyche flips a coin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 2 of Diamonds  
> A team wins a blessing that causes them to trade three of their players.

The next few days went a lot better than I was expecting. The playoffs were great, and it ended with the Yellowstone Magic battling the Hades Tigers to prevent their ascension. The Magic got to see what’s below, but the Tigers don’t yet get to see what’s above. Get it? Like, as above, so below! Like their catchphrase! Ha. Hahah.

Before long, it was time for the next elections. I was huddled around the computer, as usual, watching the gauges that represented the blessings and decrees. This season, the decrees were simply titled “ROLL A DIE,” “FLIP A COIN” and “SHUFFLE THE DECK.” None of them had descriptions.

On the other hand, the blessings DID have descriptions, and based on the gauges, people really wanted one blessing in particular: Lukewarm Egg. This blessing apparently took three members of the winning team and redistributed them to the winner of the blessing. Apparently the Magic REALLY wanted this blessing, for some reason. Something about “hot eggs” and “we never got a blessing.” I’m not sure what they’re talking about.

Soon, the gauges started to flash, indicating which blessings and decrees were won.

Firstly, the gauge that represented “FLIP A COIN” was lit up. I checked the team data, and nothing changed other than one player from each team being marked with either heads or tails. Everyone except for the Shoe Thieves had this.

Next, I looked at the contested Lukewarm Egg blessing. By the look of the lights, the Lift had won the blessing! They had bad luck when it came to blessings, so I was happy to see it.

After checking the rest of the blessings and reporting the results, we called the three Magic players and the three Lift players to the office. For the Magic, we called Chorby Short, Wyatt Glover, and Oscar Dollie. From the Lift, we called Yusef Fenestrate, Freemium Seraph, and Ayanna Dumplington. 

The players switched. Glover got to reunite with Quitter, Chorby got to get some magical girl merch in Akihabara, and Ayanna got to befriend a geyser. It seemed to go well.

Then I noticed something. The Shoe Thieves had their names changed.

They had become the “Procedurally Generated Shoe Thieves.”

I also noticed that they had a new player, whose name was simply ‘SOURCE.’

Could this be because of that game where Tillman hit a home run? I checked the roster of active players, and every member had returned somewhat back to normal, except they all had a modifier that only said “Procedural.” 

I had a bad feeling about this. Something was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: SOURCE SOURCE SOURCE SOURCE SOURCE MY BELOVED...... I LOVE YOUUUUUUU.................. just wait i love SOURCE so much..... Not that many other fun facts, other than Lukewarm egg, which was once again gotten by a different team than the Magic. You know I had to do it to em.


	20. All the Day, You'll Have Good Luck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heads or Tails?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: King of Hearts  
> No prompt.

HEADS:

Elijah Valenzuela

Arturo Huerta

Beasley Gloom

Lance Serotonin

Patty Fox

Allison Abbot

Helga Washington

Fran Beans

Paula Mason

NaN

  
  


TAILS:

Wyatt Dovenpart

Pelagia Barrel

Glabe Moon

Bevan Wise

Sixpack Santiago

Juice Collins

Lars Taylor

Justice Spoon

Comfort Septemberish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT 1: I actually used an RNG to randomly pick a player from each team, which is why the results are so varied in popularity! On one hand, you have characters like Allison Abbott and NaN, but I also drew characters I hadn't even heard of, like Helga Washington. (Sorry Helga fans, I am really only familiar with the Lovers' Helgas.) Yes, I did manage to roll both NaN and Wydov, which I absolutely SCREAMED about in the taco stand when I found out. the RNG is doing a great job
> 
> FUN FACT 2: This prompt wasn't supposed to have a written segment, but I felt like it was necessary since I decided pretty early on that I'd be uploading this chapter-wise on AO3.


	21. Are You Verified in The Eyes of God?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker gets #verified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 10 of hearts  
> You get verified!

Well everyone, I’ve made it big. First stop Los Angeli, second stop… uhhh… Los Angeli again.

I woke up this morning and checked twitter, as I always do, only to find that I had been verified! ME! Verified! This cements MY role as the one and only Interim-International-Internet-Intern. I think that’s what that means. I mean, I AM the only commissioner. 

As any #famous person would, I took some time for myself. I took the umps out to dinner- on me. I could only afford McDonalds because they don’t pay me, but it’s fancy enough I guess.

I was living the life. Chilling. Vibing. Now I had the fancy blue check that indicated that I was actually the commissioner, and not indicating that I was a 100% perfect news source like I thought. Well, I AM a perfect news source, but that’s beside the point. If Tony Hawk would unblock me, he’d see how far I’ve come. 

I decided to stay at the ILB HQ a bit longer than closing time, because I wanted to give everyone thanks and flex about my verification a little. I was just about to reply that I was “absolutely doing a great job” when my computer suddenly glitched. No, EVERY computer suddenly glitched. White noise filled the room with pink light.

The microphone.

  
“Parker…” static obscured much of what they were saying.

“In cha- -on”

“Stop them-”

It suddenly cut out, and the computers returned to their normal state. 

I smiled. Would you look at that, even the Microphone wanted to congratulate me for getting verified! 

I really AM living the dream. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Parker is still Tony Blocked.


	22. Hey Bestie, Hey Bestie, Hey Bestie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker visits Charleston to see the new Procedurally Generated Shoe Thieves. He meets a friend on the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: Queen of Hearts  
> Someone calls Parker their best friend.

Rise and shine, it’s finally time for the next season! Yellowstone took the victory last season, only to have three of their players taken by Lukewarm Egg! This season, my eyes were on the Tigers for victory and the Shoe Thieves for…. Uh… Well I really just wanted to see what would happen. At elections, all of them got their forms stabilized in exchange for gaining the “Procedural” modification. I didn’t even notice anything different about them. 

On day one, I decided it’d be fun if I did my twitter reporting from the Shoe Thieves stadium, so I could watch their first game. So, I packed up my laptop, booked a teleport to Charleston(s) and got myself a seat to their first home game.

It seemed pretty normal at first. The weather was feedback, so I made sure to bring some noise cancelling headphones, which was something I should’ve done a long time ago. I took my seat, opened up my laptop, and watched closely. 

I was disappointed.

NOTHING happened to the players with the Procedural modification. Nothing at all. The only thing interesting about this game was SOURCE, who seemed to regenerate identities just like the Shoe Thieves did after that game with the tacos. Each time SOURCE was up to bat, they became a different, completely unique player. 

I had a revelation. I didn’t want to leave Charleston without getting to see something interesting, So I decided I would talk to SOURCE. I walked down to the gate outside of the stadium and called them over.

“uhhh hey, SOURCE, it’s me, the blaseball commissioner.” I called out. They looked over. I think. SOURCE was really only an outline of a player, so it was hard to tell.

“Hello?” Their voice sounded hollow and ambiguous. “Oh, hi Parker.”

“uhhh hi so im here to ask you some things”

“Okay. Go ahead.”

“uhhhh… so.” I didn’t think of questions. “you can turn into people, right?”

“Yes.” SOURCE nodded. “But only people that do not yet exist. It’s the spirit of Randomness.”

“uhhhhh ok,” I said, “how do you like the shoe thieves?”

“Well we’ve only played one game together, so I can’t say we’re close,” SOURCE looked back. “I don’t have any friends yet.”

“I’ll be your friend!” I said impulsively. Oops.

“Really?” SOURCE seemed to be happy about that. “Thank you, best friend!” They tried to give me a hug but their arms phased through me.

“Ok, I have to go train. See you later, bestie!” They jogged off.

That night, I thought about what they told me. I have friends, right? I thought about it. I can’t really call the umps my friends, they’re more like bosses, and they always threaten to kill me. Maybe I was friends with the players? No, I hadn’t even talked to most of them. And I’m definitely not friends with Tony Hawk. 

I guess SOURCE was right. They kind of are my best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: I love SOURCE they are very good repost if SOURCE is also your best friend. Actual fun fact: this is the start of a series of god-awful chapter titles I hope you guys enjoy


	23. That’s My Idol That’s My Idol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker takes a look at the idol board. What are those pink microphone icons doing there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 5 of Hearts  
> Parker takes a look at the idol board.

The season played along pretty well. Nothing was too out of the ordinary- uhh, unless you count the everything out of the ordinary that had BECOME the ordinary. The sky was still a grid, there was still Roulette weather, and this season, Roulette was almost the ONLY weather, taking up a good majority of the games. 

We still didn’t know what the Procedural players did. And we didn’t know why so many players were labelled with either heads or tails. We had no clue what was going on.

And then there was the Idol Board. People discovered that choosing SOURCE as your idol was a very fun way to get coins- they were a different player each time they batted, so you could score easy home run money. 

But the real thing that caught my eye were the icons. 

Next to player slots 3, 11, and 18 were the same glowing microphone icons as we saw in season 9. 

I think.

I don’t remember.

People were talking wildly about what to do about the slots. I looked at the computer to see the exact idol numbers, and it looked like Wyatt Dovenpart, Mike Townsend, and Tillman Henderson were climbing faster than the others. It seemed likely that they would be in the microphone slots. What was that kid planning?

Nothing had resolved about Tyche. And we still didn’t know who killed Jessica Telephone. We didn’t know what the deal was with the Shoe Thieves, or what heads or tails meant. We were all unprepared. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: These characters were also the receivers in Lizzy's story. Since they take place in the same Parkerverse..... uhhh........... something else happened to them during parker 9 or 10's lifetime. there we go.
> 
> also: if you get this chapter title I am so sorry. every time someone says "that's my idol" my brain goes to the tiktok sound and i hate it.


	24. Michael Phone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 99 is here, and the new Receivers are set. However, Wyatt warns that one of them does not belong- Who might it be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 6 of Clubs  
> The microphone tweets something ominous.

The season really flew by. Nothing too interesting happened, aside from those microphone slots. It seemed like the microphone was planning something.

Hopefully those plans did NOT involve the microphone showing themselves.

I wanna keep my job. And my life. And I don’t know if the umps would let me keep either if they found out the mic didn’t shut down.

As day 99 approached, we all watched the idol board in suspense. I was looking at the numbers behind the scenes, and it seemed likely that the idols were set.

As the clock struck the final hour, I checked twitter, only to see a certain account I recognized.

The microphone.

> “RISE!”
> 
> “Hello friends!”
> 
> “You can stop them”
> 
> “You will stop them”
> 
> “Wait….. No”
> 
> “no”
> 
> “Something is wrong”
> 
> “Mike”
> 
> “Tillman”
> 
> “Dovenpart”
> 
> “One of you shouldn’t be here”
> 
> “well”
> 
> “...Please”
> 
> “Keep them safe”

“PARKER.” Sunman looked at me angrily. “I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THAT THING DOWN.”

“uhh.. i tried” Damn. he found me.

“YOU KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT.”

“Wait!!” I said, pleading for my life. “I’ll just uhh… I can just ask them to shut down! Here I go!” I replied to the mic’s latest tweet with “please shut down.”

“...” Sunman sat silently. “GOOD ENOUGH.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: I'm working on my micspeak. Why is it so inconsistent between theoretical tweets and theoretical speaking? I don't know!!!!!!!!!! Plot convenience I guess?????


	25. Can Dreams Have Memories?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker has an ominous dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 8 of Spades  
> SIESTA GO TO SLEEP! What does Parker dream about?

The season was complete, and the wild cards had been drawn. Only then did I realize how tired I was. This season was normal, but I still felt wary. So many things were unknown. Who’s to say something terrible won’t happen today? Tomorrow? That’s what every day felt like. I had already been framed for murder, so clearly nothing was off the table.

I talked to the umps, and they let me have a day off. They set up that turtle to tweet on my behalf for that day. I still don’t know where that damn turtle came from. It almost got me arrested for murder!

I went to my apartment in the ILB headquarters, laid down on my bed, and slept. I don’t know how long I slept for, but I needed it.

I had a strange dream. 

Firstly, I saw a coin being flipped, over and over and over. 

It ended on the coin landing heads up.

I saw three figures. One of them was holding a dove. One of them was holding a pigeon. The other was holding a raven.

After that, I saw hands, covered in blood. I couldn’t tell what the hands looked like. It was as though they were constantly shifting, with the only constant being the blood itself.

I woke up at 5:55am exactly. The sun was still barely under the horizon. I heard the faint sound of birds in the distance. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: this title is yoinked from the same source as the title of my other fic, "What are Memories if not Dreams Themselves." It's from a series I found on tiktok called LUCIDS. I haven't watched enough of it, but the 60 second clip I had saved to my favorites had some BANGER quotes. The "memories" thing doesn't make sense here but don't worry about it.


	26. wtf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker gets #owned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 7 of Hearts  
> Someone tries to get you to say your catchphrase.

Using the few minutes before I had to go to work, I decided to check twitter. 

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have twitter.

I opened it up to see myself tagged in a picture of my icon photoshopped next to tony hawk. The two characters were wearing a single “get along” sweater.

I put my phone down for a second, hoping I didn’t just see what I thought I just saw. I unlocked my phone again. Nope. Still there.

Like I ALWAYS do when fans show me weird things, I commented:

“Wtf”

Okay. Maybe there was some context to this. Now that I had posted the tweet, I decided to scroll up to read the rest of the thread. Big mistake.

> @uwunium: I wonder if I can get parker to say “wtf” 
> 
> @BlaseballTacomissioner: Maybe try to make him mad? Or is that too mean
> 
> @uwunium: that is GENIUS. Let me make something cursed
> 
> @uwunium: Hey @blaseball look at thsi

It was a trap. I had been played like a fiddle! I looked like a clown!

Already, I was getting tons of likes and retweets. What a foolish mistake. I can’t believe I just did that. 

I had to walk into work knowing the first thing I did in the morning was get owned on the bird app. I hate this job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: i was laughing so hard as I made the picture in this. also even tho there is no tacomissioner twt account Lizzy offered to be the person i was talking to in the fake twitter thread so yeah


	27. Making Heads or Tails of it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of the season is here, and Tyche flips a coin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 5 of Spades  
> A debt has been paid.

The playoffs had finally arrived. This time, it was a fierce battle between the Lift and the Fridays. The Lift had won players from the Magic last season, as well as winning a blessing that buffed their hitting, so they were strong contenders for the champions. On the other hand, the Fridays had been slowly improving their roster with stat-boosting blessings for the past few seasons, and even before that. Not that I was there for any time before that. I think.

It was an intense final round. It came down to the wire, but in the end, the Fridays managed to show the Lift what it means to be on Island time- Ignoring the fact that Japan is still technically an island.

However, what happened after the finals was what I remember.

I’m not gonna forget it any time soon.

Tyche showed herself again. I saw the calculator icon on my phone and all screens around me, and heard her voice.

> “WHAT A GREAT MATCH!!! THAT WAS A BLAST!”
> 
> “BUT IT WASN’T VERY RANDOM, NOW WAS IT?”
> 
> “THESE TEAMS HAD BLESSINGS”
> 
> “WHICH ARE BASED AROUND TEAM SIZE AND STUFF.”
> 
> “WHY SHOULD THE SMALLER TEAMS GET CHEATED LIKE THAT?”
> 
> “HMM.”
> 
> “WELL, YOU CHOSE YOUR METHOD OF RANDOMIZATION LAST ELECTION CYCLE.”
> 
> “LET’S DO WHAT YOU SAID.”
> 
> “LET’S FLIP A COIN.”
> 
> “WELL WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT!”
> 
> “I LANDED HEADS.”
> 
> “LET THIS BE A LESSON!”
> 
> “SEE YA!”

With that, Tyche’s voice faded, and the screens went back to normal. Normal, except for one part. 

Half of the teams were missing a player.

Every player assigned “heads” vanished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: So I actually flipped an irl coin for this too! I enjoyed actually letting randomness guide this story. Anyway, I kinda took creative liberties on this prompt... Coins are used to pay debts right? haha? right guys?


	28. Where Did You Come From Where Did You Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SIBR wonders what happened to the missing players.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 5 of Clubs  
> SIBR asks you for FK.

We were all frantic after the playoffs. Can you blame us? 10 random players just went missing. Into thin air! All of a sudden! Now we had elections to worry about. Would the players come back? Does every team now have a deficit of one player?

Every team but the Shoe Thieves. I have no idea why. I assumed that the “Procedural” modifier had something to do with it. Maybe it protects players from stuff like this. I don’t know.

Come election day, the ILB offices were frantic. Even I could tell. The umps didn’t even seem to know what was going on. It was chaotic.

Yet among the chaos, there were those who looked for answers. Those who wanted to find out what happened to those players. Those who wanted to learn more.

...I don’t know why I’m being so dramatic about this. It was obviously SIBR. Those nerds.

We work in the same building as SIBR, by sheer odd coincidence. It made things a lot easier for the both of us. SIBR had historical data, and we had…. Well, we have blaseball. It was symbiotic. 

I was approached by Emmy Espresso while on the elevator.

“Hey parker, I have a question.”

“uhh whats up”

“So we’ve been doing some research into the missing players over at SIBR…”

I was worried at this point. I don’t really know much about SIBR’s investigations, but they’re scary. I remember when they managed to deeply analyze a series of clues, and find out about the Shelled One before anyone else. Or, I don’t exactly remember, cause I wasn’t there for it. Whatever.

“They’re not gone.”

“what?” I asked. The players were safe?

“We, uh, need your help to find them.” Emmy said. “If you can just give us all the player data, we should have no problem.”

Of course it was the player data. I don’t even have access to that!

“uhh, I don’t know how to get that.” I said.

“Oh. Well, maybe we can figure something out without it.” Emmy said, a little disappointed. I felt bad. “If you find anything, let me know.” Emmy said, stepping off the elevator to the SIBR offices.

I was left alone in the elevator again. The players were okay? Where were they? If they’re not gone… What happened to them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: I asked the taco stand for a random data witch, and they gave me Emmy. Apologies if this isn't accurate.


	29. Siesta Party Quinciñera Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BLOOD is chosen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: Jack of Diamonds  
> EMERGENCY SIESTA, EVERYBODY GO TO SLEEP

Election season was right around the corner once again. This season, there were a ton of interesting blessings, each of which had very good benefits to the teams who were lucky enough to receive them. 

I watched the computer’s gauges, as I always do at this time of the season. They move around all throughout the season, but on this day, they were even more frantic. 

There were 3 decrees this season, and only one would win.

The first gauge represented the “BLOOD” decree.

The second represented the “WATER” decree.

The third represented the “SOUND” decree.

It was the placement of the needles that struck me as odd. Somehow, I could hardly see any difference between the three. They were all equally balanced. As the countdown approached zero, I realized that this could be a problem.

“uhh hey chaff I think they’re tied”

Zero. The computer shut down, along with all the power in the building. 

I heard the umps discussing amongst one another in the dark.

“SHOULD WE CALL A SIESTA?”

“DO WE NEED TO? MAYBE IT’LL FIX ITSELF.”

“CHAFF, HAS IT EVER FIXED ITSELF?”

“GOOD POINT. SIESTA! EVERYBODY GO TO SLEEP”

That’s the last thing I remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: The other two decrees had meanings as well. Can anyone guess what they were?
> 
> also. I am so sorry for the chapter title. I am so sorry.


	30. A Sitewide Message

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sitewide message. The dice are rolled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD:   
> none lol. just wanted to show what was happening while parker was passed out because of the siesta order

“ALL THREE OF THEM?”

“THAT REALLY PROVES THIS SYSTEM IS BUSTED.”

“WHERE’S THE FUN?”

“WHY DO YOU GET TO CHOOSE THE FUTURE?”   
“WHY NOT LET FATE DECIDE?”

“HOW’S ABOUT I ROLL A DIE?”

“1-3 WILL CORRESPOND TO THE THREE DECREES.”

“BUT IF I ROLL A 3-6…”

“THE CORRESPONDING DECREE WILL DIE.”

“SOUND FUN?”

“GOOD.”

“HERE WE GO.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“NOW WE’RE TALKIN!”

“WE GOT A 1.” 

“NOW THEN… WHO GETS THE LUCKY PLAYER?”

“LET’S ROLL A DIE AGAIN.”

“20! A CRITICAL HIT!”

“I HOPE HE LIKES MEXICAN FOOD!”

“HAVE FUN.”

“SEE YA LATER!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: these numbers were NOT randomly chosen. I'm a fake fan i know..... Also, as a hint, I am very very glad Tyche didn't roll a 6. Or I would have cried.


	31. DOVES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker joins a team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: King of Diamonds  
> Parker gets to play!

I woke up in an unfamiliar place. No. Wait, it was somewhat familiar. But why would I be here of all places?

I sat up and looked at the people around me. Each of them was wearing a purple jersey with yellow sleeves. Was I-?

Sure enough, I looked around me. I was in the Al Pastor Memorial Stadium. I looked at my clothes, only to find that I was wearing the same purple jersey as the others. I was a player for the tacos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: sorry about the sudden lapse in updates i just KEPT FORGETTING TO UPLOAD. i've been busy working on another blaseball related project, so keep your eyes on my twitter, @uwunium.


	32. DOVES (continued)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker meets the Tacos, and talks to the mysterious Wyatt Dovenpart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: Queen of Clubs   
> Go take a break and drink some water!  
> (note: i did this, but also used it to write the rest of the last chapter.)

“What’s going on?” I said aloud. “Why am I here?”

“I don’t really know,” the large imposing figure of McDowell Mason said, “But we’re happy to have you!”

“Uhh!” I said, frightened, “thanks!”

“Don’t be scared,” A small woman climbed up McDowell's fur, “He’s a big softie.” A rat crawled onto the woman's shoulder shoulder. 

“You’re Parker right?” A humanoid palm tree walked up to me, “Like, that Parker?”

“yeah i'm the blaseball commissioner”

“Hmm.” Another person walked up. She was wearing a business suit, and seemed to have cat ears and a tail. “I saw you walk out of the courtroom the other day. I’m Jasper Tabby by the way.” I realized that Jasper Tabby was probably the player that replaced Valentine Games after she was incinerated. 

In the corner, I also noticed somebody else. They were facing away from everyone, and seemed alone. They had long red hair and a headband of some kind, but it was hard to tell with the visual distortion that clouded their appearance. But somehow, I recognized them.

“ok nice to meet you guys.” I stood up and wiped the dirt off of my jersey. 

“Who wants tacos?” I heard a voice call from behind me. I looked towards their direction and saw Basilio Mason holding a tray of tacos. “They’re inside. Get em while they’re hot!” with this, the rest of the team left, leaving only myself. Well, myself and that redhead. 

“uhh… are you okay” I asked them.

“It doesn’t matter.” they replied.

“I’m the blaseball commissioner”

“And I’m Wyatt Dovenpart,” they said, not looking in my direction.

“Wait, you’re that guy who made the Shoe Thieves all weird.”

  
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“And you got the Tails modifier, right? So you didn’t disappear like the Heads people”

“Don’t wanna talk about it.” It was silent for a moment.

“uhh… well I don’t know why I’m here.”

“A decree.” 

“what?”

“The BLOOD decree won, so you ended up here.”

“oh thanks” I said, not really knowing how to react. 

“Yeah.”

“uhh… i like your headband.” I commented, trying to move the conversation forward, “Naruto, right?”

“It is!” They turned around to look at me, “Do you like Naruto?”

“i’ve seen a few episodes. I think.” I tried to remember my past. 

“I have the full collector’s edition box, if you’re ever interested.”

“Woah… isn’t that rare?”

“Yeah.” They averted their eyes again, grabbing a small device out of their pocket. It shone pink, and had a blinking radar dish on the top. “They gave it to me.”

"who?" 

"Oh. Uh, that's not important," they said, putting the device back into their pocket. 

"you're a receiver right?" I asked, curious about the object.

"Yeah."

"so that means..." I started to piece things together about Dovenpart's past. "what happened to them?"

Dove paused for a long time, looking into the distance again. They sighed. "I don't wanna talk about it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: Dove's collectors edition of Naruto was based off of a fic I never wrote about the S1 tacos having a christmas party. I had to put SOME angst in here.


	33. Reflections Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker reflects on his time with the tacos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: Ace of Spades  
> Reflect on your time as commissioner.

I had played a few games with the tacos by this point. To be honest… I wasn’t great. But it wasn’t as though the rest of the tacos were particularly skilled either. Their best player was coincidentally Jasper Tabby, who replaced their former best player, Valentine Games. It’s a shame what happened to Val. This was his second incineration. 

Speaking of incineration, the weather this season has only been Roulette. That’s it. Nothing else. No feedback, no black hole or sun 2. The sky was covered with the same grid, only this season, it was all you could see. It was all artificial sunlight from the beaming lights of the Roulette.

Despite being a player, I still had to do commissioner things. The umps didn’t expect that I wouldn’t be there this season, so I still had the responsibility of being commissioner.

But man. Being a commissioner while also being a player is difficult. It takes a lot of juggling. What if I’m not doing a good enough of a job? What if this playing was distracting me from my duties? I just keep doubting myself.

But I have to try. Not because I want to or anything, but because I don’t wanna get incinerated.

After a while, I started to find my place on the tacos. I had a lot of fun watching Naruto with Dovenpart. I don’t know much about them, but it seems like they have a lot of regrets. 

Things started to feel normal again.

Until I started to get..

Very….

Sleepy….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: Val's first death happened in Lizzy's parker sim! Go read it!


	34. A Sitewide Message (2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the middle of the season, Tyche shows up with a message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: none. whoops

“I HATE TO INTERRUPT LIKE THIS,”

“IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEASON AND STUFF.”

“BUT….”

“I’M MOVING PARKER TO A NEW TEAM.”

“LET’S SEE WHAT FATE HAS TO SAY”

“...”  
“A 10! HOW EXCITING!”

“LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING ALL THE NEW MUSIC AFTER THIS.”

“OH YEAH, YOU MIGHT SEE ME A BIT MORE OFTEN.”

“SAY HI IF YOU WANT.”

“ANYWAY!”

“SEE YA LATER!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: uhhhh i got nothing. ty


	35. PIGEONS (are a bird)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker wakes up in a very dark place... Does anybody else hear faint rock music?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 3 of Clubs  
> Something happens in the sky.

I woke up in an unfamiliar place. Again. This time, it was darker- grungier. I looked around to see… Well, very little actually. It was too dark to see anything.

“Hey, are you some new postseason birth or something?” I heard someone say. His voice felt very familiar.

He walked out of the shadows slightly, close enough to where I could see him. Or maybe my eyes just started to get used to the darkness. I don’t know. Whatever happened, I was now face to face with Mike Townsend.

“Hey, you’re Mike Townsend!” I said aloud, surprised to see someone here. “Aren’t you in the shadows?”

“Wait, wait, are you the commissioner?” He said, sounding just as surprised. “Why are you in the Garages’ shadows?”

“I’m in Seattle?” I looked down to see myself wearing a Garages jersey. “Wait, I’m in the shadows?!”

“Woah! Good to see somebody new in here! It was gettin’ kinda lonely!” Another voice came from the shadows, “And it’s the Commissioner! That’s so cool!”

“Sophia, remember that neither of us have night vision…” Mike said.

“Sorry, sorry!” I soon was facing a girl in a garages jersey. Or was she a cat? A catgirl?

“My name’s Nolanestophia Patterson.” She said, putting out her paw for a handshake. “Do you want some cake? Mike made some earlier, it’s REALLY good!”

“It’s really not THAT good,” Mike said, seeming to doubt his own ability, “It was a little disappointing, really…”

“That cake wasn’t disappointing! Just like you, it was a credit to the team!” Nolanestophia smiled, proud of her joke. 

“Haha, thanks.” Mike Townsend said bashfully. However, I was distracted by something.

“Do you guys see that?” I asked. “Outside.”

“What?” Mike said. “Let me take a look.” He opened up a nearby exit door, before stumbling back in fear. I quickly ran up to him and helped him up, before taking a look at the sky for myself.

The sky’s grid was filled by a giant calculator.

Tyche was getting closer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: i didn't remember the card until i had already finished this chapter which is why the sky is such an afterthought. but yeah since this is basically a stream of consciousness i didn't wanna fix it


	36. Reflections Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It slowly dawns on Parker that he is not the first of his kind. Is he living up to his predecessors' legacies? He decides to ask Mike Townsend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 8 of Hearts  
> You realize that there were more parkers before you.

Being in the shadows gave me a lot of time to think. More time than I would have liked. I still had to tweet and do the other commissioner things, but instead of being out on the field, I sat alone in darkness. I spent a lot of time on twitter. And I found something scary.

I had tweeted before I remembered tweeting. Or, before I was on twitter. Or… Before I remember being commissioner? I have memories of it. They’re there, but faint. I remember when I- I mean… Not-I sent my final tweets in the Coffee Cup. I remember when Not-I was replaced by that turtle, and killed in its place. I remember writing the last few entries in my journal, promising to come back, not realizing that it would be the last time I’d see it. I remember it all, yet I remember none of it.

These guys went by Parker too. They all went by Parker MacMillan, with a number at the end. Just like me. 

I had a realization.

I am merely a copy of those who came before me.

Not just that, but I was the 11th copy.

10 others just like me had been killed.

I was scared. I couldn’t believe it. Who’s to say I won’t die tomorrow and get replaced by a Parker MacMillan 12th! Not even my rank as Interim-International-Internet-Intern Blaseball Commissioner could save me- The third and eighth Parkers were CEO. Nothing was protecting me. 

Did the other Parkers do a great job too? If so, how can I say that  _ I  _ am doing a great job!

I talked to Mike Townsend about this. I didn’t know who to turn to.

“Mike… Am I doing a great job?”

“Of course you are!”

“Didn’t everyone say that about Parker MacMillan 10th?” I looked at him.

“Oh.” He sighed. “I guess they never told you, huh?”

“nope.” I said in return.

“Listen.” Mike sighed, “Sometimes, you feel like you can’t live up to your predecessors.”

Mike looked down. “Sometimes, you feel like a disappointment.” He looked at me again. “But you’re not. You don’t have to be better than those who came before you. You just have to be kind. Be helpful. Be selfless.”

"what?"

"I've been through a lot." Mike looked down. "Back when Jaylen got incinerated... Everybody put the blame on me. I shouldn't have told her to open that stupid book. But by then, it was too late, and I was here being a no-good pitcher for a broken team. I felt like I had to fill in for Jaylen. Like I had to prove that we would be fine without her."

"oh..."

"But I had to do something to make it up to them. And if I wasn't gonna be pitching shutouts or winning games, I realized that I needed to do something for the team. For Jaylen. Even if it means I'd never play again."

"that's..."

"I guess what I'm trying to say is... It's not about who came before you. It's about what you do for others." Mike looked at me. "And I think you're doing a pretty great job so far."

I smiled. “Thanks Mike.” I said, “That actually helped a lot.”

“Don’t mention it.” Mike said. “Um… Say, is it getting any darker to you?”

“I don’t know what you mea-”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: One of my longest running HCs is that Jaylen's original incin was a punishment for rallying people to open the book. So, I added the bit with Mike Townsend at the end, and how he felt pressured to live up to Jaylen's ability.


	37. A Sitewide Message (3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What a coincidence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: none lol

“SORRY ABOUT THAT GUYS!”

“I DON’T KNOW WHY PARKER WENT TO THE SHADOWS.”

“MY MISTAKE!”   
“BUT MISTAKES MAKE THE GAME MORE FUN, DON’T YOU THINK?”

“ANYWAY.”   
“LET’S SEE HIS NEXT DESTINATION.”

“...”   
“I ROLLED A 2!”   
“WHAT A COINCIDENCE.”

“WELL.”

“SEE YA!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: also have nothing here. thank you for reading


	38. RAVENS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now in Charleston, Parker notices that the Shoe Thieves are being very strange.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 7 of Diamonds  
> REVERB! everybody do the wave

I once again woke up in an unfamiliar place. At this point, I was starting to get used to it. Except… I had been here before. Well, me as in Parker MacMillan 11th. The  _ real  _ me. I was in Charleston.

This time, I stood up first. 

“hey guys” I called out to the Shoe Thieves around me. 

“Parker!” I heard a voice I recognized. Uh... recognized as  _ me.  _ From _my_ memories.

“SOURCE?” I looked to the side, and there they were.

“You get to play with us this season? That’s so cool!” SOURCE beamed, “Oh yeah! Since you’re my first best friend, you should meet my second best friend!”

“Who’s that?”

“Hello, Parker.” I heard a voice I recognized far too well. Tillman Henderson.

“Tillman.” I scoffed. I never trusted the guy. He still owed me 50 bucks. I don’t even know why he owes it to me. But he does.

Needless to say, I was shocked by his next action.

“It’s great to finally meet you!” Tillman said, shaking my hand. “I’ve been a fan for a long time.”

“what” 

“Yeah! You’re doing a great job,” He nodded, “No, you’re doing the BEST job!”

“You really think that?” I was confused. Wasn’t Tillman supposed to be… mean? Irritating? Why was he being so nice?

“Of course I do. Isn’t that right, Esme?”

“Sure is!” Esme smiled, “He told me all about you.”

Hold on. Didn’t Esme and Tillman hate each other? I couldn’t figure out why they were being so…. Friendly. 

“Hey, would y’all keep it down?” Sebastian Woodman said loudly, “It’s getting annoying.”

“Sorry Seb!” Esme called back, hoping to make amends.

“Don’t worry.” Tillman said with a friendly smile. “We’re all friends here.”

Time flew by, and before long, I was playing my first game with the Thieves. The weather was Roulette, like in every other game this season, and we were playing against the Flowers. It was now late into the season, and it didn’t look like we were going to the playoffs. Maybe that would mean I could go back to Los Angeli and stop playing. 

I was up to bat before I knew it. The ground beneath me was a royal blue, and I swear I could hear the sound of crashing waves as I stood there. I looked at the pitcher. I was ready.

Lightning struck the center of the field, and it was as if the entire stadium filled with water- Yet we could all still breathe. Or, at least, I could still breathe. The rest of the Shoe Thieves didn’t even notice anything strange, except for me. I knew that this was an effect of Roulette, but normally, Roulette-caused reverb shuffles affected the entire team… And yet, as the imaginary water pushed me to the bench, I could see the next batter prepare themselves as though nothing happened.

What was going on here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: thank you to the shoe box for giving me information on yalls characters, only so I could COMPLETELY TURN THEM 180 DEGREES. (Don't worry, I know what I'm doing)


	39. Reflections Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not only are the residents of Charleston different, Charleston itself seems to be constantly shifting. What happened here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: Queen of Spades  
> Describe your current location.

I know that Charleston used to be a normal place, before the Unhomerun. But now? It was strange. Really strange. It reminded me of Los Angeli, but it was…. Different. Instead of just being a bunch of weird spacetime interloops, Charleston was… Constantly changing. 

A road that leads you one place might lead you to a completely different place. A tree that you remember being in one position might be somewhere completely different. A building you always remember going to might not even exist anymore, only to have a slightly different version come into existence somewhere else.

The field was similar, but on a smaller scale. The bases would change slightly, as well as things like wear and tear of the ground, dirt to grass ratio, etc. It was constantly shifting.

It also happened on an even smaller scale. The grain of wood. Location of leaves on trees. It was all shifting and changing as you focused.

The people here were cool too. Strange, and nothing like what I was expecting, but still cool. I have no idea what the “Procedural” modification was supposed to do, and I was no closer to answers than I was before. But I made some new friends.

Speaking of friends, it was nice hanging out with Source and Tillman. They were both really nice to me, and they showed me around the place. Tillman was also a receiver, which was interesting. He told me that the mic had talked to him a few times. Mainly asking questions and stuff.

That reminded me of something.

When the microphone saw the new receivers, they said:

“One of you shouldn’t be here.”

Dovenpart.... Townsend… Henderson…

Doves….. Pigeons…. Ravens….

Who’s the odd one out? 

A loud noise started to creep up from the depths of my brain. A loud, high pitched noise. 

Feedback.


	40. FEEDBACK DETECTED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker is feedback'd back to the ILB HQ, and Wyatt leaves him with an ominous message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 3 of Diamonds  
> Feedback Detected!

“What… What happened?” I sat up and rubbed my head. I could still hear the faint ringing of feedback, but I could see my location- I was back in the ILB headquarters, right in front of my laptop.

However, the laptop’s screen was filled with pink static. I heard the noise again.

The microphone. 

“It worked!” The voice said, “Can you hear me? It’s Wyatt!” It occurred to me that I never got their name before this.

“hello i thought you shut down”

“What?” the microphone seemed confused. “That’s not important right now. You just visited Charleston right? That worked too?”

“what do you mean?”

“I, uhh…” Wyatt paused, “I gave Tyche weighted dice. I made sure you’d be able to investigate the new receivers in person.”

“what? why?” I asked.

“One of them doesn’t belong. One of them is working for Tyche.”

“WHAT??” I was shocked. They all seemed so nice! I trusted all of them.

“That’s why I made sure you’d go to those three locations.” Wyatt said, “So, do you have any suspects?”

“No... I don’t know what you’re talking about!” I was confused and tired. “I don’t know ANYTHING. I don’t know what Procedural means, I don’t know who the traitor is, HELL, I don’t even know who killed Jessica Telephone!”

"Hmm..." Wyatt thought for a moment.

  
  
"uhhh..."  


“What if….” Wyatt paused. “What if they all have something in common?”

“What?”

“Like… What if they had something in common?”

“You just repeated yourself.”

“What? I’m losing connection-” Wyatt’s voice started to become less clear, “Something is coming. We’re not prepared--” they cut off entirely.

I was once again, alone. 

......

Well hey, at least I was alone in the ILB headquarters this time. The commissioner is back and ready to commission!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: uhh... Not sure what kind of fact to put here. Wyatt is cool


	41. Tacomissioner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker takes a much needed break, and decides to hire the Tacomissioner to keep tabs on the playoffs.
> 
> But he notices something odd in the background of one of the drawings...
> 
> Special thanks to Lizzy who wrote most of this chapter!! Lizzy is the tacomissioner, and since she put me in her fic, I had to repay the favor. I thought it would be fun to actually see the tacomissioner's words in this, so I got Lizzy to write some of it- the parts in italics are theirs, as well as the picture. Thanks again for the help!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 8 of Diamonds  
> A fan is asked to draw the playoffs.

The playoffs had arrived, and I was glad to be taking a break from playing. I finally got to get some rest in! I know Wyatt told me that “Something is coming” and “We aren’t prepared,” but I was just happy to be OFF the field and IN the bed.

For that, I decided to hire another commissioner to do my… Commissioning. I hired the legendary Tacomissioner! Like the name suggests, they’re the commissioner for the tacos. Not just that, but they were also a witness that testified in my defense back in the trial, AND they were also the courtroom artist! How cool is that!

Anyway, I let them do my commissioner stuff. Here’s what they wrote:

> _ umm ok so idk what im doing parker didnt tell me. i think like playoffs stuff?????? uh ok. so the tacos didn’t make it to the playoffs which is sad cause thats like, the main thing i focus on. i mean thats obvious though,,  _
> 
> _ ok ok so um round 1 was moist talkers astronauts magic and mills for the mild league and wild wings lift dale and sunbeams for the wild league. i didnt want to draw them because i was lazy but i did make a spreadsheet. round 1 the teams that won were the astronauts, mills, lift, and sunbeams!! good job _
> 
> _ then the mills won the next round and also the sunbeams, and i think the millennials won the championship? idk i wasn’t really paying attention. i was kinda busy because the tacos got into this whole discussion about beans and which kinds of beans were the best and obviously i said it was red beans but then we started arguing over what were the best beans, but then it eventually turned into to being mad at the peanut which yeah that makes sense i agree _
> 
> _ oh wait im supposed to be doing parker things _
> 
> _ uhhhhh ok what does parker usually do _
> 
> _ uhh wtf _
> 
> _ wait no i cant swear im not allowed to swear _
> 
> _ uh tacos dont ban me from your discord please i was just pretending to be parker _
> 
> _ what was this about again? oh yeah the playoffs uhh millennials did good i think. i don’t know what else to add so i’m stopping here. ill put the spreadsheet at the bottom _
> 
> _ bye  _
> 
> _ ATTACHED: playoofs.jpg _
> 
> _ _
> 
>   
>    
>    
> 

Cool right!! Anyway, I’m not gonna show it here, but the art they DID end up making was AMAZING.  _ THAT  _ is a commissioner I’m proud to share a name with. 

But I couldn’t help but notice something odd in the art they drew.

In the background, I saw SOURCE.

And they looked to be working with Tyche.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: Apparently "playoofs" was a genuine typo, but it worked well enough that it got to stay.


	42. Ever-Shifting Hands, Coated In Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All is connected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 9 of Diamonds  
> A new team is introduced.

I decided I’d travel to Charleston before election season began. Surely there was a reason for all this. There HAD to be. I wanted to talk to SOURCE.

I arrived late into the night. The stadium was dark, aside from a few spotlights that were left on to illuminate the center of the field. I saw a few ravens perched on the fence, which flew away as I approached.

“SOURCE?” I called, trying to find them and ask them some questions, “Are you here?”

I looked to the center of the field, and as I got nearer, I found that there were people there. It was probably the team having a chat or something. I bet SOURCE would be there. 

I got closer and closer, and noticed that the group seemed a little smaller than what I had expected. It seemed to only be ten people… And some of them had different silhouettes than what I was expecting… One of them was small, like a dog. Then there was one who looked like they were wearing a tall hat… Maybe a chef’s hat? And then one of them seemed to have a weirdly glitchy silhouette. It was probably my brain playing tricks on me.

Unless…?

I got closer. And closer. And closer.

I couldn’t believe it.

Elijah Valenzuela. Arturo Huerta. Beasley Gloom. Lance Serotonin. Patty Fox. Allison Abbott. Helga Washington. Fran Beans. Paula Mason. NaN.

They were alive. And they wore new jerseys, with the team name “ZEROS.”

“What happened to you guys??” I shouted and ran to them, “We all thought you were dead!”

“WE WERE CHOSEN.” They all turned around to face me in unison.

“What? I-" I was shocked.

  
  
"We were the lucky ones!" One of them shouted.

"Her anarchy speaks to me." A gruff, feminine voice said.

"For once, I don't have to worry about my bad luck," another voice said, their tone filled with audial distortions

I cried out to them, "You guys-" 

“Parker?” I heard someone behind me. It was SOURCE.

“SOURCE, look! They’re alive!”

“Parker…” Source looked down and sighed. “I’m sorry you had to find out like this.”

“What? What do you-”

“Tyche is my first best friend.” SOURCE looked back to me. “She said if I killed Jessica Telephone then she’d let me play.”

“It was you?!” I cried in disbelief, “How? What?”

“I’m sorry.” SOURCE said. “She is my creator. She is my friend. She told Val to put the blame on you or she’d kill them.”

“No, No, this isn’t right! No!” I was horrified, “I’ll talk to the rest of your team, this isn’t you!” 

“Parker…” SOURCE called, but I ran. I ran as fast as I could. I ran away from there. I had to find the rest of the Shoe Thieves. They would help. They would get SOURCE back to normal. They’d save the people on the ZEROS. They’d fix this.

Please. They had to fix this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: Sorry this is like. a bunch of reveals at once. I explain more in the next chapter why that is, i promise i can normally write decent exposition LOL


	43. A “One” Comes Forth From “Zero”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something happens in Charleston.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 8 of Clubs  
> Something gets swallowed up.

I ran. 

I couldn’t believe what happened.

I didn’t WANT to believe what happened.

I ran as fast as I could, hoping that the rest of the Shoe Thieves would know what was going on. Before long, I found myself next to the building that used to be the main center of operations of the pastry shop, but had since been turned into the players quarters. Maybe they would have some answers.

“Hello Parker.” I heard a familiar voice behind me. I turned around to see none other than Tillman Henderson.

“Tillman! You won’t believe what just happened, the 10 players that were stolen are back, and they’re acting all weird, and-”

  
“Oh, was that happening tonight? I must have gotten the wrong time.” I then noticed his jersey. It now read “ONES.”

“....What?”

“Wait, you didn’t ACTUALLY think we were working for the ILB, did you?”

“What do you-”

“She regenerated us. We were born anew. On that day, we became new people!” Tillman laughed as clouds started to gather above the stadium- no, above Charleston.

“You mean… That game against the tacos?”

“We saw the light. We are no longer random, forgettable players. We have been reborn!”

“Wait, ‘ _ we? _ ’…. You don’t mean…” Sure enough, I saw the rest of the team approach from behind him. 

“Parker, I hope you understand.” I heard SOURCE speak from behind me, and I quickly turned around. “This is for the better. The league is unfair. It needs to be regenerated.”

“What? Snap out of it guys!” I called out. The sky above started to darken even more as I noticed a small but growing pinprick of pure blackness, interrupting the swirling numbers and graphs and functions that had become a mainstay since Tyche’s arrival.

I didn’t have time to think before the wind greatly picked up. I looked to the sky to find that the pinprick had grown to quadruple its size in mere moments- Or maybe it got closer. I suddenly realized the danger I was in.

I took one look back at the team I once knew, and ran as fast as I could. I ran away. Away from the team, away from the stadium, away from Charleston. If I could just make it away from the stadium…

I looked behind me, and the hole was now the size of the entire stadium, and it seemed like it was getting lower and lower, threatening to consume it in its entirety. Even in the few seconds I looked, it seemed to double in size. But I knew I was getting close. The forest was dense, but I could see the edge of it. I knew that I would be safe. 

I took another look at the void, to find it mere feet away from me. As I took the final leap, I could feel the darkness inches away from me, before I landed hard on the pavement. 

There was a flash of light.

And then Charleston was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: Sorry these last 2 chapters have been kind of an infodump. Early on, I decided that I wanted to write all my events in the parker sim and have them lead up to a grand scheme, but i soon found that to be VERY difficult considering the random nature of the cards. I tried to lighten the blow with some foreshadowing, but it was still pretty tough, especially when you don't know what the cards are gonna throw at you next.
> 
> Wait.
> 
> Is this how TGB feels?!?!?


	44. A Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A plan is formed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD:   
> Someone comes up with a crazy plan.

I made it back to the ILB headquarters, which I didn’t think I’d be able to say considering everything I’d just seen. Things were intense over there too. Everyone saw what happened to Charleston, and people were getting angry. They wanted to fight back.

People also found out about the missing players. Right around the time I found them, SIBR managed to crack the case- they had been added to a team called the “ZEROS.” They’d also found out about the “Procedural” modification- The players in fact had been completely regenerated- we had no clue, so we couldn’t have updated the stats or anything. Whatever happened, those players weren’t the original Shoe Thieves anymore. The next operation- How to get those players BACK.

My thinking was interrupted by a familiar sound, and a familiar glitching of the electronics behind me. The screens filled with static, and a loud mechanical screech filled the room.

I knew exactly who it was.

...

Oh, you know the line at this point.

“Parker? Anyone?” Wyatt said.

“i’m still alive. somehow.” I replied, still not fully processing what happened.

“So it was Tillman and the Shoe Thieves... That explains why there was something so strange about one of the receivers’ frequencies. It’s not the same person!”

"not the same person? what?"

  
"You remember Alternate Reality don't you?"

"uhh.... yes." I thought. "I mean, no, not as Parker 11. But yes."

"At first I thought it was like that, considering how different their frequencies were from my Interviews data..." Wyatt continued. "But I think their frequencies just got regenerated. So they're kind of the same person... Just with a different identity."

"i don't understand a thing you just said."

"Um..." They said awkwardly, not knowing how to respond. "Ok."

“so what about those 10 players? the ones who got the ZEROS jersey and stuff?”

“Um, It seems like their data was altered by Tyche." Wyatt sighed, "It really hurts to see NaN fighting against us… Against me..."

“wuh?”

“Um, nevermind.” Wyatt continued, “But I have an idea… I think we can fight those two teams.”

“really?” I asked, “how?”

“Well it shouldn’t be hard to do it with my receivers… I’ll tell Dovenpart, Sixpack, and Mike what we’re planning to do.” 

“that’s only three people” I commented.

“That’s where you come in.”

“what?” 

“I have an idea. Here… If I can focus…” Suddenly, the fuzziness of the screens faded, and instead, I could see what looked to be a young, very normal looking player in a Tacos jersey. “Okay!”

“woah…”

“I might be able to add a new decree to the elections.” Wyatt said, before creating a holographic display of some weird diagrams. I didn’t understand any of them. “I noticed that the players with the “Tails” modifier had a unique signal that I might be able to utilize to build a team.”

“so they’ll be the good guys?” I asked, “Not like the “Heads” players that are working for the bad guy.”

“That’s what I’m hoping for,” Wyatt said, before looking back at the camera. “But it would be hard for me to get enough votes in time. We have less than a day in Material time!”

“so uhhh… where do I come in?”

“You can communicate with the Material plane.”

“I CAN?”

“Wait… Don’t tell me you didn’t realize that.”

“They don’t tell me ANYTHING! I thought I was just talking to people who sit in the stadiums and stuff! What????”

“Okay, that’s something to unpack another time.” Wyatt said, “I need you to use your platform to make everyone aware of it, and to get everyone together! If we have enough votes, I can utilize that power to form a team!”

“Isn’t that… difficult?”

“I’ve raised the dead.” Wyatt said. “This is easy.”

Oh. So that’s why the umps are so afraid of them. 

“Okay. Get ready. I have to leave you now so I can focus on this. Keep an eye out on your notifications, people will probably let you know when it happens.”

“uhh… ok!” I said nervously. And just like that, the displays on the computers turned off, before turning back on with a strong pink static. This time, the mechanical screeches were twice as loud- no, three times as loud, and the entire room began to glow with pink light. The supercomputer began to whirr loudly, vibrating the room and shaking me to my core. Just when I thought it was about to explode, it ended. The room returned to silence once again, and the screens began to return to normal. 

I felt my phone vibrating. Twitter notifications.

They really did it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: in this fic wyatt is the "smart character" because i needed someone to know things. although in most of my actual hcs, i imagine them as someone who makes a LOT of mistakes, and the main stuff they know is the stuff they got from Interviews (so every player's life story.) They wouldn't be able to do this frequency mumbo jumbo. Unless that changes in canon. Which is still a possibility.


	45. The Final Signature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker prepares for battle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 4 of Spades  
> Parker signs something.

Election season was right around the corner, and I was terrified. This would be *it.* THIS would be what decides our fate. The league was in complete suspense. Even the Umps were concerned, which was not something I saw out of them often- they usually just acted smug and all-knowing. 

I had an edge over the average fan, as I could see the gauges on the computer. It was scary to see. All the decrees were close.

Suddenly, the signs of the microphone’s interference filled the room again. You guys know what it looks like. Mechanical screech, static screens, you get it. No point in writing it out. 

“Parker!” Wyatt’s voice appeared, “I have a question for you.”

“what?”

“We need one more person on the team to fight Tyche.” Wyatt offered me a position on the team.

“So you’re asking me?”

“You did a great job on the Tacos. And the Shoe Thieves too!”

“I… I did?”

“Yes. And you are the easiest person to contact.” Wyatt told me, “Are you in?”

I thought about it. I knew it was risky. Having to fight a god like this could possibly spell my doom- I knew I had to be certain. 

“I… I’ll do it.” I decided.

“Really? You understand the risks, right?” Wyatt asked, seemingly concerned.

I smiled. “I saw what this whole mess has done. When I became the commissioner, I vowed to be transparent and reliable and all that, but I also took a vow to do a great job. And… If I let the league be ‘regenerated’ or whatever, that wouldn’t be great at all.” 

“I never thought about it like that…” Wyatt said. “Being the commissioner must be hard.”

“Yeah. But I’m willing to give up anything for the league.” I looked down. I had changed a lot, huh? Just a few seasons ago, I would have never thought of doing this. “So, do you have the paperwork?”

“Oh, if you make a digital signature I should be able to pick it up.” Wyatt said, “But… Once you sign, I can’t guarantee you’ll make it back here. This is dangerous.”

“I’m prepared for that.” I said. I sat down at my computer and signed my name.

The moment I signed my name, The supercomputer beeped, indicating the end of the Election cycle.

There was a light above the gauge for Wyatt’s decree.

We had won.

And that was the last thing I saw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: i wish i could replicate 5's signature, bc i imagine that the parkers all have similar handwriting (being the same person and all.) however, you instead get my handwriting.


	46. A Sitewide Message (4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A message appears on the site.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: haha. none.

> “WHAT?”
> 
> “WHY DID YOU-”
> 
> “THESE STUPID VOTES!”
> 
>   
>  “YOU GUYS  _ WANT  _ UNFAIR ADVANTAGES?”
> 
> “I GAVE YOU SO MANY CHANCES”
> 
>   
>  “TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION”
> 
> “AND YOU GO AND VOTE FOR SOME RANDOM DECREE?”
> 
> “THIS LEAGUE IS HOPELESS.”
> 
>   
>  “Y’ALL KEEP RAISING PLAYERS’ STARS”
> 
> “AND DON’T THINK OF THE CONSEQUENCES.”
> 
> "AND NOW NEW PLAYERS GET LEFT BEHIND."
> 
> “BUT NOW”
> 
>   
>  “I’M GONNA BRING YOU THE CONSEQUENCES”
> 
> “AND REGENERATE THE LEAGUE”
> 
>   
>  “WITH THE FREEDOM WE DESERVE!”
> 
> “GO, ONES AND ZEROS!”
> 
> “REPLENISH THIS WORLD”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: i decided to use star inflation as Tyche's motive. What better way to fix star inflation than to completely nuke the league and all the players in it?
> 
> Okay I can think of a couple better options.... But she's the villain so


	47. THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN (of ultimate destiny)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A clash between forces leaves our heroes close to defeat. Can they save their friends and defeat the god of randomness?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: 4 of Clubs  
> Something happens to the concept of space and time, affecting one of the teams.

I awoke in an unfamiliar place. Again. Except this time, it wasn’t a place I’d seen glimpses of on TV- No. I was on top of a giant grid, stretching for miles and miles as far as the eye could see. Yet this was also a stadium of some kind- a stadium made up of lines and graphs, like a wireframe. I looked around me. Slowly, people I recognized started to appear.

  
Mike Townsend. Wyatt Dovenpart. Sixpack Dogwalker.  
  


And then…  
  


Pelagia Barrel. Glabe Moon. Bevan Wise. Sixpack Santiago. Juice Collins. Lars Taylor. Justice Spoon. Comfort Septemberish.  
  


And finally, Wyatt themselves. They looked different from how I had seen them previously- they appeared as a sort of pink wireframe hologram- I imagine that it’s hard to fully beam your physicality all the way to the immaterial plane. But most importantly, they were holding a microphone with a glowing wire.    
  


We were all here. 

I didn’t have time to celebrate before the others started to show up too. The ZEROS seemed to be the first team.

> “WELL THEN EVERYONE!”
> 
> “CAN THEY HANDLE IT?”
> 
> “I HAVE FATE ON MY SIDE.”
> 
> “WHAT DO THEY HAVE? A BUNCH OF NOBODIES, A DISAPPOINTMENT, A DOG CONGLOMERATE, A GLITCHY-PITCHY WEEABOO AND A COMMISSIONER!”
> 
> “PLAY BALL. LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH.”

Play ball.

I remembered everything my predecessors saw. The fight against the Shelled One, avoiding the Tractor Bean in the Coffee Cup, fighting alongside Wyatt and the receivers against the Coin… I wouldn’t let them down.

Top of the first inning. Wyatt Dovenpart was pitching and Paula Mason was up to bat. 

Dinger. And then another. And then another. We tried our best on defense, but it was strangely difficult. They scored 3 runs that inning.

Our turn. I was up to bat against Beasley Gloom’s pitch. Strike one. Strike two… Ground out. This was so much harder than what I saw in the league- It was almost as if this team had inhumanly good luck...

We didn’t get a run that inning. Or the next. Or the next. It was a bloodbath. What were we supposed to do? 

Top of the 9th inning. Dovenpart was pitching. NaN was up to bat. We felt hopeless.

“Hey bud.” Dovenpart said, looking down. “So this is it huh? Couldn’t protect you then, couldn’t protect you now.” They continued. “I knew this would happen one day.” Dovenpart sounded defeated, and spoke in a half whisper.

_ “I’m sorry.” _

“W-What? No, I” NaN suddenly responded, “You didn’t-”

“Huh?” Dovenpart looked up in optimistic confusion, “You-”

“I- I…” They looked at themselves; at their jersey. In an instant, they regained clarity- they realized what they had been doing. “Why would I… What have I done?”

“NaN!” Dove broke every blaseball rule in that single moment, running up to their friend. “I’m so sorry, you shouldn’t be in this situation.”

“I’m the one who should be apologizing. I hurt everyone…”

“It’s not too late. We all make mistakes. Trust me.” Dove looked up.

“That’s it!” Wyatt walked up. “You can break the mind control by reminding the players who they really are- who they were before all the randomization and luck stuff!”

“Wow. I didn’t expect it to be that cheesy and cliche. The writers must really be down bad.” Dove commented with a rare smile. 

“Dove, who’s that pink guy?” NaN asked, looking at Wyatt.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay!” Wyatt interrupted Dove and NaN’s thoughts, “I know every detail about every player’s life, birth to death. Just follow my lead!”

“Wait seriously?” Dove asked, “I knew that thing was powerful but I had no idea it was  _ that _ powerful.”

“It simultaneously rewrote every taco’s identity. I’m more curious what this thing CAN’T do,” Wyatt held the mic up in front of themselves. “Ok! If we can just get through every player on the ZEROS, maybe we can do this!” 

“Leave it to me.” Dove nodded. At this point, I was also getting curious. Luckily, I was within a distance of seeing all this happen. 

It went down quickly. Using the power of the microphone along with everyone’s teamwork, we were able to break the players free, one at a time.

> “Elijah! Remember what you’re fighting for.”

Even the pitchers...

> “Arturo. Your team misses you.” Mike Townsend spoke this time.

Slowly...

> “Who’s a good dog? Beasley is!”

It began to come together…

> “Lance! Uhh… You like candles?"

Each player…

> “The Sly Fox isn’t the same without you!”

With everyone’s help…

> “Allison. Do it for Kichi.”

Soon...

> “Fran! There are so many swords you haven’t seen yet!” NaN called to their former teammate.

The 10 missing players...

> “Paula. Remember Landry.”

**_Began to find themselves._ **

Standing on the field with everyone, I remembered my predecessors. I hope I could make them proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy theres a lot of facts for this one
> 
> 1: Thank you to the taco stand for the naming of this chapter. I had it as a placeholder at first, but they told me to keep it. So, enjoy the Neil reference.
> 
> 2: I had to put angst with Dove and NaN. When I saw that I managed to roll them for opposite teams I KNEW I'd have to do something with it. I am predictable. For those who don't know, (because little of this is on the wiki for some reason) one of the most common hcs among the tacos is the lifelong friendship between Wyatt Mason and Lee Davenport. ...And all the angst that came after the unslam. TLDR Dove regrets many things
> 
> 3: Is this cheesy? yes. Did i point out the cheesiness? yes. Does that change the fact that this is STUPIDLY CHEESY? no. reason number 187972891 i am not satisfied with how i wrote the ending. it eez what it eez.


	48. A Sitewide Message (5)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A message appears on the site.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: sitewide message

“IS THIS SERIOUSLY WHAT YOU GUYS ARE TRYING TO DO?”

“SERIOUSLY?”

“THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP?”

“YOU  _ HAVE  _ TO BE KIDDING ME.”

“JEEZ, IF I DIDN’T THINK Y’ALL WERE LAME BEFORE, I SURE AS HELL DO NOW.”

“I’M GLAD I HAVE A BACKUP TEAM, CAUSE I AM NOT ABOUT TO LOSE TO “FRIENDSHIP.””

“WHATEVER. YOU STILL WON’T WIN.”

“ENTROPY ALWAYS WINS.”

“CHAOS NEVER LOSES.”

“YOU CAN’T FIGHT FATE.”

“BORN FROM ZERO, RISE, MY ONES!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: pointing out flaws in your own writing doesn't fix them!


	49. THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN (of ultimate destiny) Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The battle continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: Ace of Diamonds  
> The underdog has won the playoffs!!*
> 
> *playoofsª
> 
> ªthe final battle

Of course, it wasn’t over yet. We had only fought half the battle- and I’m not sure “convincing the players to join your team” is within the rulebook. Hopefully I won’t get fired for that.

Whatever would happen next, I knew I had to be prepared for it. And I knew it was going to be strange, as soon as the inky void of the sky started to shine with a familiar multicolored light- Roulette weather. 

But she was too late. Whatever she had planned, we were now a bigger team, and we were prepared to win. Now that we had the Heads players on our team, we could utilize their luck to help us claim victory.

While the batters prepared to play, the pitchers and I were working on a plan to rescue the Shoe Thieves from Tyche’s grasp.

“We could feedback the Shoe Thieves onto our teams by trying to only run between feedback squares…” Mike said, trying to figure something out.

“And risk losing one of our players to the ONES?” Arturo said, “Too risky.”

“What if we made sure that the Thieves would only walk on blue tiles? Maybe they’ll turn back to normal if they’re incinerated…” 

“You can’t fight fire with fire.” Patty Fox commented.

“Bark! Owa owa… bark bark!” 

“Beasley, you wanna treat?” 

“Bark!”

“We’re getting nowhere.” Dovenpart looked down, “What if we can’t fix them? What if we can’t turn them back?”

Suddenly, I remembered something. Something I shouldn’t remember, but somehow I did. 

“Frequency localization.” I said aloud. “If we can localize their frequencies, maybe we can revert them back to before Tyche regenerated them.”

“What’s that?” Mike Townsend asked, as confused as the other pitchers.

“Because frequency localization worked sooooooo well last time.” Dovenpart mumbled sarcastically, “Dovenpart. Really? 'O' and 'A' aren't even close on a keyboard.”

“It could be worth a shot…” I said, thinking back to my predecessors, “If we can just get the power from the Material Plane… We should be able to do it.”

“How are you planning on doing that?” Elijah asked.

I smiled, and pulled out my phone. “Twitter.”

“10 MINUTES LEFT UNTIL WE PLAY!” Tyche’s voice called out from the sky. We’d have to do this quickly. 

I sent out the tweets as quickly as I could. (This time though, I had a spell checker on.) I watched the engagement, as my phone started to heat up.

“Do you even know how to do this?” Mike Townsend asked.

“Not really!” I laughed, “Okay, uhhhhh…. Here goes!” 

I ran to each of the players, hoping for the best.

“Tillman Henderson, frequency 69.42!”

It worked.

I ran to the others.

“Esme Ramsey, 149.67!”

“Hotbox Sato, 64.20!”

“Richardson Games, 100.00!”

“Stu Trololol, 4.04!”

“Velasquez Alstott, 22.20!”

“Fitzgerald Wanderlust, 22.22!”

“Sebastian Woodman, 153.41”

I ran around the field, trying to localize everyone’s frequencies, dodging the colored squares on the ground and racing against time.

“2 MINUTES!”

“Simon Haley, 57.78!”

“Cornelius Games, 17.20!”

“Blood Hamburger, 49.99!”

“Snyder Briggs, 36.94!”

“Gunther O’Brian, 70.20!”

“Howell Franklin, 77.77!”

“30 SECONDS REMAINING!”

I ran to the last player- SOURCE. I had a bad feeling about this from the last time I did frequency localizations.

“SOURCE, frequency... 199.99!” I could sense a change. “Wow, I’m surprised it worked this ti-”

Everything went black.

What seemed like centuries later, we woke up back on the gridlike field. I checked my phone, only to find that we had a new win beside our team icon.

We had won.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACTS:
> 
> 1\. The numbers for the frequencies came from the Taco Stand again. Turns out, a lot of them were accidentally meaningful. Pretty cool. This was also before I found out about how digits worked in localization, that the number before the decimal was the un-wyatt limit and after the decimal was the un-mason limit. 
> 
> 2\. owa owa


	50. 12:00 Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The eleventh hour comes to a close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: King of Spades

> “YOU!”
> 
> “ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS HELP YOU!”
> 
> “EVERYONE COMPLAINED ABOUT STAR INFLATION”
> 
> “AND I WAS GONNA FIX IT!”
> 
> “YOU GUYS ARE STUPID!”

She couldn’t fight back anymore- she had no team. She wouldn’t be able to have power over the immaterial plane anymore. But that meant this place probably wouldn’t last either.

> “I WON’T LET YOU WIN.”

The ground began to crumble. We had to leave, and fast.

“Wyatt! Take this and get everyone out of here!” I threw them a small teleportation device, “Round everyone up and press the button. It’ll take you guys to the ILB headquarters.”

“What about you?” Wyatt called.

“I’m gonna be the last one. I need to make sure no one gets left behind.”

“Okay!” Wyatt replied, before beginning to gather everyone together.

I too ran around the field, helping the Shoe Thieves as they woke up, and directing them to Wyatt and the teleporter. The ground started to crumble even more, but it was still possible to dodge the holes in the grid as they started to fall. 

Before long, the ground crumbled more, yet I was able to find the last of the Shoe Thieves and direct them to safety. After one final check, I knew they were all on their way.

Now it was my turn. I ran as fast as I could, dodging the decaying numbers that were now falling from the unstable void, jumping over the growing cracks in the ground, revealing the lights of earth underneath it. Victory was within sight.

And then.

The ground in front of me crumbled. 

The gap was far too large to jump.

I was trapped. 

> “TASTE FIRE!”

“Parker!” the crowd called to me from across the gap.

“Get out of here!” I called back, looking at the fire growing in the sky.

“What about you?” Wyatt called back.

I looked at them, looked at the gap in front of me, and looked at the sky.

“It’s okay.” I said gently, “Parker MacMillan the 12th will do a great job.”

I closed my eyes as I heard the teleporter activate.

I hope I made them proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT:
> 
> rest in tony blocked


	51. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How are things in the hall?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CARD: I broke the rules here and wrote an extra chapter. oops. I got too attached

So, that’s it. There’s my story. Well, the story I spent on the immaterial plane that is. It’s not like there’d be anything interesting after my death though.

The Hall isn’t awful… Most of the time. It’s really, really hot. And it’s not even a dry heat! That squid just HAD to install a giant pool in the middle of the hall… Why’d we let an aquatic animal rule the underworld again?

I got to meet the other Parkers. Let me tell ya, Parker 3 is a HOOT. He told me all the stories about the discipline era, and wow, there was even more craziness than I remembered! Well, remembered in the residual memories from the Parker MacMillan Creation Process™ that is. None of us know where we're created. Personally, I think they're growing Parkers in some kind of Parker Park. Who knows.

It does get boring at times. Not too much to do down here. They already have, like, 10 other commissioners who act as the commissioner for the Hall League, the “Under-Underleagues.” But the games are fun to watch.

I got to talk to Seb and Jessica Telephone. They seemed happy. 

Oh yeah! Speaking of which… I guess I should also write a good ol’ “where are they now” segment. 

After the localization, the Thieves went back to normal, and continued playing in the league. They got to keep their cool team name though, the Procedurally Generated Shoe Thieves, since it was too difficult to fix all the weirdness of an entire city.

The Heads players also went back to normal. Apparently they didn’t get regenerated or anything, they were just given the power of extreme luck- and while their luck went down after Tyche’s demise, they still got to keep most of it. It was a really nice change of pace for a lot of the players.

Oh yeah, all the heads players fell to different teams- as well as SOURCE for some reason. SOURCE realized that they had been manipulated by Tyche, and felt extreme guilt over what happened. I made sure to send a message that Jessica was happy here, and there wasn’t anything to worry about. SOURCE also became friends with NaN, as they both fell to the same team- the tacos. I heard that Dove got SOURCE hooked on Naruto- and apparently they make the BEST cosplays. Who would have thought!

Everything else… Well, it returned to normal. Parker 12 and the umps had control over the league again, and everything's going well. Parker 12 seems like a pretty cool guy… I just wish I could teach him some of what I learned.

I would say I’m gonna stop writing, but that’s probably not true. Down here, you can pretty much write about ANYTHING, because there just so happens to be HD replays of like, every event of everything that happened ever. Did you guys know that NaN used to be that Wyatt guy? The stuff you find out down here!

Anyway, it’s pretty easy to write your life’s story when you can watch it happen all over again. They call it “Life-Flashes-Before-Your-Eyes Film.” Pretty cool stuff.

Well. I’m being called over for dinner now. The other Parkers want to teach me their spicy milk recipe. Uhh… thanks for reading I guess!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well everyone, looks like that's game. If you've made it this far- thank you. This was so incredibly fun to write, and it was really an enjoyable challenge. 
> 
> There are, of course, many people who made this fic what it is. I couldn't have done it without them.
> 
> Lizzy- thank you for inspiring me to play this game, and inspiring a lot of this story. 
> 
> The Taco Stand- thank you guys for listening to me talk constantly while writing this fic, and always being there when I said "quick give me a random team"
> 
> And most importantly...  
> Elliot- thank you for making this game!!!! Holy crap, it was SO FUN. This was really the first time I've ever been able to finish such a long fic, and I wouldn't have been able to do it without your game.
> 
> Finally, I would like to thank TGB for making blaseball, and being.... well, being parker. I obviously used aspects of Parker's twitter to frame how I wrote 11. 
> 
> Epilogue to the epilogue: On the IAB stream on Thursday, the Parker Sim game was mentioned. Considering the game itself is older, and recent energy about it has come from the tacos............ Uhh.... TGB if you're reading this hello, and please don't get any Parkers Tony Blocked.

**Author's Note:**

> Download Parker Simulator and support Elliot!  
> https://elliotaries.itch.io/parker-simulator


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